Hidden Routines

            Searching for peace she locks the door behind her, slowly she drops to the floor, arms clasped around her legs; resting her forehead upon her knees. Eyes sealed, immense tears stream down her face; in anguish she pleads “I draw myself apart; despite my best efforts, only a faint resistance can be measured against the Troll (Pure-O). How long must I languish? Every day I wake; feeble from lack of sleep, downhearted from constant decry, disparagingly having me believe my very existence is faulty. Hour by hour; I fight against temptation to wane in my efforts to overcome my nemesis Pure-O. Minute by minute; I battle, with no end in sight and without relief. What more can I do? I just want to be me.”

            Desperately, she clings to hope. Hope for a way to receive the help that she needs, hope for those closest to her to understand and love her just as she is, hope for better days to come; free at long last, to be herself despite Pure-O being a part of her.

            Never before have I felt so vulnerable; I am apprehensive, the details of my illness, of the thoughts and behaviors I have; bring to light what I have been wrestling to keep hidden. What I write here are my inner-most thoughts and feelings. Much of what I write is raw, unearthing exceedingly painful experiences and emotions. It is difficult for me to dig deep into the roots of Pure-O and my personal struggle with it. I share all this with you, with anyone who will listen because I do not want the Troll (Pure-O) to have anywhere to hide. The truth of the matter is; it is not me I am exposing it is the Troll! The Troll would have me; have all of us believing that it is me. It is not easy for me to get past all the fears and shame that I feel, even though I know that I should not be afraid or be ashamed. Despite great difficulty I press on; because without a doubt I know if my Troll (Pure-O) has nowhere to hide, then in time he will no longer have the power he has over me right now. The intrusive thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O) are not me; these thoughts do not define me.

            Melancholy, forlorn and extreme foreboding anyone and anything; may be what many would think I feel toward everyone, even toward life for that matter. A gloomy state of mind is to be expected when prolonged depression; and ever present crippling anxiety is a fact of life day in and day out. I would be lying if I said I did not feel dreary, miserable and pensive most of the time. Be that as it may, my heart is set on looking for and finding the beautiful and positive things that surround me in my life. Pure-O bereaves me of being able to feel the joy and happiness I do have in my life. Remember when I said that in order to understand Pure-O, to be able to understand me; we would first have to dredge through the dreary and desolate trenches of the Troll? These ugly words describe those trenches and what it is like to constantly have a wild and untamed Troll inside your mind.

            Providing a vivid picture, of Pure-O layer by layer with each post of this blog; is not to have you feel sorry for me. I do not feel sorry for myself because I know my suffering is small compared to many; I also, understand that we each have our own strengths and weaknesses, what is extremely difficult for one, may not be difficult for another. And so because it may appear that someone may not have suffered as much as another, does not make their suffering less valid or considerable. Each of us having known some form of mental anguish, I am sure that we can all imagine how bitter and excruciating prolonged and chronic suffering can become.

            “Silent sufferer’s” is one of the many ways to describe Pure-O. Speaking for myself I suffered in silence for 21 years; simply because I did not know anything was wrong, the way my mind works and the thoughts that come was all that I knew, I had no way of knowing it was not normal. Making it even harder to see that what I was going through was detrimental to my health and happiness; so many of my symptoms are internal, cognitive in nature. Clearly, you can see how unimaginable it is for anyone to be aware of just how much suffering there really is.

            Nearly all of my symptoms I have been aware of for little more than a year, some as scant as months, even days; I am sure there is still an abundance of symptoms and behaviors that are a consequence of Pure-O, that I have yet to discover. This is another troublesome dynamic of Pure-O, being as it is heavy-laden with what is known as “Hidden Rituals”. Is it just me? or are the names given to describe Pure-O ghastly? The name ritual has me feeling like I am part of some outrageous cult; I find it fitting to instead call them “Hidden Routines”.

            They are “Hidden” because predominately these “rituals” are mental routines or mental compulsions rather than behavioral compulsions such as checking and washing. I like to describe OCD as Obsessive= need for assurance and Compulsive= imperative need for relief. I use the word “imperative” because in spite of knowing that the thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O) are not likely or impossible does not change the need for relief. So in attempt to relieve the distressing thoughts and anxiety mental routines are preformed.   

            Personally I struggle with many different mental routines such as, Memory Checking. This involves recapturing a memory in my mind and mentally checking, examining and sometimes analyze what happened, what exactly it was that I said and did. Searching for answers to determine if I handled the situation properly, if I said the right thing, if I did what I did for the right reason, was my behavior correct and proper. Constantly asking myself if I caused a problem, looking for reassurance that I did not do anything wrong; or searching for what I did do wrong, so that I can fix the problem. A domineers obsession of mine is Responsibility, when I feel that I have not lived up to my duties and responsibilities; this triggers mentally checking; memories to see what I have done wrong and if what I did do was right. This type of mental checking is to figure out why I am having a certain thought.

            One of the many complications with Pure-O is the constant need for certainty, so that doubt can be eliminated; doubt, leads me to repeat behaviors. By seeking assurance; such as trying to neutralize negatives thoughts with positive thoughts, will counteract all the negative thoughts; though I know this is not rational. While nagging repetitive thoughts from the Troll (Pure-O); bombard me; I start to repeat in my mind positive thoughts, good things that I do over and over. Getting stuck in an OCD doubt and reassurance loop can go on for days. Another mental compulsion of mine is to avoid certain situations, activities and people so that an obsession will not be triggered. Truly I detest the word obsession, it sounds creepy and odd to me, and perhaps this is the stigma we have toward obsessions. The obsessions I have are not by choice and they bring absolutely no enjoyment. My obsessions are completely intrusive, horrifying and distressing, which is why I do everything in my power to avoid having them.

            Other “hidden rituals” I have are… trying to figure out what type of person I am, over-analyzing my behavior, reassuring myself because of the intrusive thoughts that come, repeatedly asking for forgiveness feeling like I am a bad person; repeating thoughts, words or phrases in my head. Like a detective I am still uncovering my hidden routines. The more I learn about Pure-O and the personal struggle I have with it; I am able to recognize just how unmanageable my life has become; and how deeply the symptoms of Pure-O dictate what I do and say. Right now I am like a prisoner, my mind held captive; a confinement that is brutal and intolerable. The puzzle of Pure-O is exasperating!  I find myself shutdown as soon as I reach an uncharted corner of Pure-O.

            Living with Pure-O is painful through and through, it may be difficult for some to believe; however, it is torturous and indeed causes immense suffering. It is not easy for me to say such things; I do not like to be thought of as playing a victim card. In no way do I surrender to excuses or being helpless. Which is why I am here, writing what I am, I am willing to go where I don’t want to go in order to overcome the terrible Troll (Pure-O). 

            Still in the beginning of my Journey Up, daily I battle and have feeble knees. Often I do not know what to do; and feel overwhelmed by the agony and turmoil of the Troll that besets me. I will continue to write, to uncover the awful Troll (Pure-O). I will continue to seek help and treatment, fighting with all my might to overcome Pure-O. I am grateful; you, dear reader are here with me, knowing that I am not alone helps and gives great encouragement! As always I encourage you to let your voice be heard, wither you suffer from mental illness or not. You have something valuable to add that can make all the difference in my life or someone who is reading this blog just as you are. I invite you to leave a comment and look forward to hearing your voice.