Determined

            Reaching her limits; she determines she will no longer be afraid to face her nemesis, the Troll (Pure-O, OCD); breaking free from the tenacious grip he has over her. For, she has spent too many sleepless nights bound by torment, as a result of endless racing intrusive thoughts. Day by day, year after year she has been paralyzed by crippling anxiety, kept from family and friends, unable to allow anyone to know of the immense struggle and torture she endeavors to overcome each day.  Until now; at long last, that atrocious Troll (Pure-O) has nowhere to hide! Courageously, she stepped into light, out of hiding; exposing the true nature of Pure-O, sharing her story with anyone who will listen. Today she stands in the doorway to; the way up. The road is long and full of agony, setbacks and frustration. Feeble and weary, she presses on. The Journey up is painful; she is required to face insurmountable odds, taking head on the most terrifying aspects of her symptoms. Clinging to hope, believing she will one day triumph, she climbs higher and higher.

 

            Living with Pure-O, OCD; is torture. Positive experiences are robbed from you. Numb to feeling joy and happiness. Your mind is hijacked, flooded with intense, unwanted and intrusive thoughts, consumed you seek for relief, only the relief you are compelled to is; anything but positive and helpful, in fact it is the opposite. The compulsions or “hidden routines” as I like to call them, of Pure-O are painful and cause the cycle to grow and to continue. Knowing that the compulsions you perform are unhelpful; makes giving into them, tedious and agonizing; bringing about feelings of boundless guilt and shame. Overcoming Pure-O is like pushing a massive boulder up hill, resisting obsessions and compulsions does not bring relief, in fact it brings about more anxiety and fear. Having to trust that repeatedly resisting your obsessions and compulsions will eventually bring freedom, is an uphill battle; filled with doubt and setbacks. Overcoming Pure-O feels impossible, it requires extreme effort over a long period of time.

              This is the story of the Journey Up. Why is it the Journey Up? Because there is a massive mountain in my way called Pure-O, which I must climb to overcome my mental illness and nemesis, maybe for you this mountain has another name. Nonetheless, it is still a struggle, and the Journey Up will stretch us to our limits having us doubt we can overcome this mighty mountain. Notwithstanding, I believe that the Journey Up is possible and there is a way to reach the other side. Leaving that enormous mountain behind us, until one day we can look back and discover that the mountain is now small, a thing of the past… Success at last!

             To some this all may seem like an exaggeration, after all there are many experiences that would merit much more suffering and pain. I have no doubt there are countless people who have suffered more than I have. Yet, I also know that mental illness of all kinds are misunderstood, belittled and made out to be something that one can just “get over”. There is little understanding and tolerance for those of us who suffer with mental illness. I can testify that lack of awareness, understanding and support renders it impossible for many who suffer; to find and receive the treatment and help that they are in need of, much less being able to overcome and manage their illness and symptoms. Which is why I continue and will continue to write this blog, too often people with mental illness are thought of as not being able to speak for themselves. Such a thought could not be more wrong. Even though I am but one voice, I believe I can make a difference, even if I reach but one person, it will have been worth it

Yesterday was a miserable and frustrating day for me. Miserable because my OCD was at a full blown 10, it could not have been any worse for me! Frustrating, because what triggered Pure-O to run ramped and wild, was actually something that should have been a positive experience for me.  Before I continue, I want you to know that is not easy for me to give the details of my Troll. Not until I began writing this blog did I dig deep into my personal experience living with Pure-O. I did not realize I was burying deep inside; my symptoms and struggle with Pure-O. Much of what I face daily, I never shared with even my husband until, January of this year! Sharing my story has been a positive and healing experience for me; truly this is the story of the Journey Up.

In my last post which you can read here, I promised to continue that post or have a part II, I will touch on a little more about the subject of being surrounded by many people, even kind and loving people who want to support you; yet, remaining totally alone. Much to my dismay and utter shame, I struggle at times; and at my utmost worst having been completely debilitated, which was not too long ago for me. I struggled and battled everyday to sit at the dinner table with my own husband and 5 small children. More often than not during this period of time when I was completely shut down; I ate alone in my bedroom, while my family enjoyed eating together at the family dinner table. This can sound pathetic I know, how can any Wife, or Mother have terrible, debilitating anxiety around her own husband and children? The answer to this question is not simple and perplexing, least of all easy to understand.

            Because Pure-O robs you of all things good, taking what should be a positive experience and turning it into a gnarly ball of anxiety, filled with vile intrusive thoughts that have you believing that you are an unfit human being in every way. You are left without a single pleasant thought feeling devastated you search for the truth, but no matter how much you fight Pure-O, providing evidence and fact of what really happened, who it is you really are. Pure-O has a way of creating doubt; just enough to have you thinking that all those intrusive thoughts are true!

            It has been my experience that most of my intrusive thoughts revolve around responsibility. Even as a small child I took responsibility for every bad thing that happened in my life, or in the lives of those around me; especially in the lives of those I cared about and love. When something bad happened I would make a resolve to try harder, to be a better, kinder person. When I became a Mother and my responsibility increased so did the severity of the symptoms of my Troll, Pure-O. To the point where today, I believe that I am a horrid, unfit Mother who does nothing but cause harm to my children. So when I look at my children, I see all the ways that I am not good enough for them, all the ways that I have damaged them from my “negligence” or “inability to be enough for them”. As the day progresses, I become more and more weary; my mind becomes increasingly foggy too exhausted to combat Pure-O, by this point I am completely succumbed to intrusive thoughts, I shut down. Which makes eating dinner with my family impossible; being near them at this point triggers more and more intrusive thoughts. I retreat, I try to neutralize and eliminate the intrusive thoughts, I keep myself isolated in attempt to keep the Troll (Pure-O) at bay.

            The more I am around the people that I feel I have let down, or have in fact have let down and disappointed. The more the symptoms of Pure-O overpower me. Until I have reached a point of total shut down. Which often means I have locked myself in my bedroom, avoid contact in any way with the person(s) whom I feel unfit or unworthy to be around, I avoid answering my front door, the telephone, even stepping outside of my home, at my worst I could not step outside my bedroom door. It is maddening to be trapped inside the vicious and relentless cycle of the Troll (Pure-O).

            The way Pure-O works in my mind after I have disappointed or hurt someone wither I actually have or not. I then have to “become better”, to “be good enough” before I can ever speak with or see them again. I usually come up with a plan that isn’t realistic, not realizing that it is not possible for me to execute my plan. Inescapably, I fail in my attempt to “set things right” which in turn creates a greater need to keep my distance from that person(s) thus, a grater resolve must be made to become better person. On occasion I am able to speak with or see the people I feel I am not worthy for. However, the Troll is always there, intrusive thoughts flood in confirming all the previous intrusive thoughts; adding new intrusive thoughts, making it impossible to see past the lies and anxiety.

            The more that I love and care about someone, the more I struggle with intrusive thoughts and compulsions. It has become easier to keep myself shut out from everyone, so that all the misery and pain of Pure-O can be kept to a minimum. This comes at a heavy and dreadfully excruciating price which actually, does not offer any real relief from the Troll. I am isolated, alone, caged. My family and friends believe I do not care and do not love them, which could not be further from the truth. I do not blame my family and friends for having these feelings toward me, it is difficult to come to a conclusion other than I must not care; when the fact is, I do not call, I do not go to family events, I do not invite family or friends to my home. Ironically the Troll has me believing that I am saving them from harm because I am not a part of their life.

            Landing flat on my back and realizing that my life has become unmanageable, I am determined to do whatever it takes to overcome my symptoms, to be able to manage Pure-O. I am sick of being confined to such a lonely and miserable cage. I am fed up with sleepless nights, crippling anxiety, panic attacks, hidden routines, avoiding people I care about and love, living with an odious Troll inside my mind.  I am working hard every day and on my way to effective treatment. My Journey Up is difficult, I have much to overcome. Many in my family do not understand; however, I am confident that one day I will be able to overcome and triumph completely! I cannot do this alone, I am grateful for my extremely supportive husband, for family and friends who are patient with me and kind. I am thrilled to meet and make friends with wonderful people I have met through this blog and hope to make more friends. I look forward to continuing this Journey Up with all those who would like to join me.

            Together, no matter where you are in life, mental illness or not we can make a positive difference. You can triumph, reaching the other side of your mighty mountain! Please share your thoughts and experiences. As always, I look forward to hearing from you.