Crippling Anxiety

            “I wanted to go, I told them I would be there, and I even felt excited about it! I promised myself this time would be different; but it’s not. I don’t feel like I can do it. How can I not show up? Ug! Why do I always feel this way? They are my dearest friends, I enjoy being around them, they want me there. Why, do I always find myself wrestling with an invisible enemy, one that I have no idea how to combat? Why is it such a struggle for me? When will it stop? I just want it to stop! It is all too overwhelming; maybe next time I can go.”

            Each day, writing this blog I find myself head to head with the uncharted chasm; of my inner most feelings and emotions affiliated with my illness, Primarily Obessional OCD (Pure-O). Illness: what an intense word. I quarrel daily with the complexities of the symptoms and subsequent affects they have on my mind, body and soul. It is no wonder that they clash with every relationship that I have?

            Overwhelming anxiety and intrusive thoughts keep me from the people I love most. It does not make sense to me, less so for everyone else. Each day I shutter when I hear the door bell ring, it is not that I do not want people to visit; in fact the opposite is true. It is quite the conflict and oxymoron; to long for people to pay you a visit, only to hide and keep the door shut when someone does come, to push them away. When the phone rings, a pit in my stomach manifests itself, anxiety on top of anxiety with each ring; as I think to myself “will I be able to pick it up this time?” It may come as a shock to you, I struggle most; when the person trying to reach me is a family member or a friend. The odd thing about it is, I want to talk to them, I am even happy that they thought of me and took the time to call, so why the dilemma?

            This is where my deceitful; slippery nemesis; the Troll (Pure-O) comes in. He takes that gnarly ball of anxiety and uses it to his advantage. Crushing anxiety; combined with devastating unwanted and intrusive thoughts; is a lethal weapon! How artfully deceptive the Troll is. He knows how to get under my skin; bringing to my mind, the most tender and vital aspects of my life; to the forefront of my mind. Cleverly, he concocts his formula, a mantra sublime; causing doubt, humiliation and extreme distress . Once in his (Pure-O) clutches, I cower, I hide; no longer confident. Overwhelming feelings of being; a bad person or that I might cause, or have been causing harm to all around me, take precedent. Feelings of no longer being worthy wash over me, leaving me alone and caged.  

            By now, I bet you are wondering why I speak of the Troll like he is a person, a living thing. It took me a while to wrap my mind around; what Pure-O really is. After being diagnosed with Pure-O- OCD and working with a therapist, I was able to discover that there was another voice inside my head… the hard part was understanding that; this voice I was hearing, the one that sounded just like me, the voice inside MY head,  yeah, that voice; was not me. Okay if you are anything like me, your thoughts might be “Say what? Not me? So what you are telling me is; I really am crazy?” Would you believe me when I say “I am not crazy?” Maybe it will take some convincing.

            Everyone has thoughts that seem to come from nowhere, that may even cause some alarm and stress. But soon as they realize how bizarre, or unrealistic they are; they are able to brush them off never giving it a second thought. Oh, that sounds wonderful to me, to have a troublesome thought and be able to let fly off your back; or set it aside to resolve it later. That is a goal I am working toward, what comes so much more natural to everyone else, is basically impossible for me. Please dont get me wrong here, I am able to forgive, I don’t hold grudges against people and such things. And when I say impossible for me, I mean impossible for me in the present, because I do not have my OCD under control yet.

            Back to that other voice in my head. How is a voice in my head not me? Well, I cannot give you the science behind that; but I can offer you my experience. Imagine a voice in your head that takes literally no thought of your own. It is like a commentary is stuck; on the television and that television is in your head. When I am the most exhausted; I can be laying there and that voice has all the energy in the world, on and on, I can’t turn it off; too weary to do anything about it.

            Some people may be thinking that this Troll sounds like the devil, maybe I am possessed? Nope, not possessed here, I believe if I were possessed than I, who I am; could not be here at all. I wouldn’t be able to write this blog, feel Gods love and guidance in my life and have hope. I am a firm believer that light and dark cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So, this other voice in my head; the one I like to call a Troll, is something else; caused by a irregularity of the brain, known as Pure-O OCD.

            It is no picnic to have such a voice (Pure-O) stuck in your head. Even more problematic is trying to explain that voice and how it affects your life; to other people so that they may better understand. I am up to the challenge though, which is why I am here; letting you in, allowing you to be a part of some of the most intimate details of my life.

             No doubt, we can all relate to having felt similar emotions; at some time in our lives we each have had to confront crippling anxiety when faced with the unknown. Each of us has lost a battle or two with anxiety having succumbed to its immobilizing power. My hope is for those who suffer like I do; will feel comforted that they are not alone and there is hope, a way up. To those who do not suffer from mental illness; my hope is you can come away with a better understanding of those who suffer a more painful experience with anxiety. There is always more to a story than meets the eye.

            Come; continue on this journey with me. I invite  YOU to open a dialogue, an opportunity to be heard. No matter where you are in your own personal journey, wither you have a mental illness or not. Each of us can contribute something, making this Journey Up, more enriching.  I am looking forward to hearing your voice.

With Love,

Hope