Yes, I am Definitely Sure, but am I Sure?

The clock in the living room can be heard from the bedroom, it strikes, bong, bong. Restless, discouraged she winces anticipating that she would have slept past 2am. Not realizing she was holding her breath, she lets out a slow sigh; the clock does not strike again, her hope in vain. To no avail, she cannot sleep through the night, severe insomnia being her constant companion for more than two and a half years.

Weary and exhausted, her dread and ambience rapidly grows. She is never left alone, continually tormented by a figurative troll always lurking in her mind. To her dismay, the still and empty hours of the night perturb and terrify her. Tears of anguish soak her pillow, bewildered, defeated she cries out for help. “When will it stop, how can I make it stop?”

There is the troll, relentlessly he speaks to her. At no time does he have anything pleasant to say. Invariably he invades her mind with horrific intrusive thoughts. Regularly, the trolls voice overpowers her own, extremely fatigued she can barely put up a fight. And so, here begins another day, living with the troll.

Yes, I am definitely sure, but and am I sure? Is a perplexing statement that leaves you guessing. These few words can give you a peek into the distressing nature of living with Pure-O, or as I like to call it, living with a troll inside your mind.

Before I begin to paint you a picture of Pure-O, my troll; I would like to express the delicate feelings I have in exposing myself,  being vulnerable in this way  is a path I have not taken; until today. What I am about to describe can appear to mean that I must be CRAZY. What a repugnant word crazy is; I detest the use of it in any context. I have deep empathy and respect for those who suffer a much more severe mental illness than I do, that causes them to be unaware of reality.

So let us return to the title, “Yes, I am definitely sure, but am I sure?” The first word, yes; is a concrete and straightforward answer followed by the word definitely; giving the meaning of sure; a bold resistance to any opposing force. Interpreting these words, “Yes, I am definitely sure,” without question would mean there is no doubt and unbreakable confidence.  And yet, how peculiar that such a statement should be followed by “but am I sure?” The powerful and self assured statement “Yes, I am definitely sure,” in this example would be; me, my voice, my own thought. The following question “but am I sure?” would be the voice of the troll (Pure-O) speaking in the first person as though it were my own thought.

Ah, this troll is cunning and has a grandiose, clever disguise. His voice sounds just like mine, he knows the intimate details of my life, what I think, what I feel; making it difficult to distinguish the difference if one does not know where to look.  And so, it would seem that if you know where to look and can recognize the troll for what he really is- Pure-O. Than all should be well… You should easily dismiss his intrusive thoughts and the distress would cease, right?  If only it were true, if only it were that simple.

The idiosyncrasy of Pure-O is the sufferer is aware that the intrusive thoughts are highly unlikely and even impossible. Yet, that terrible troll with his precise and fancy footwork; gives just enough meaning to his unwanted and intrusive thoughts to make it seem like it just might be real. So the never ending quest to find answers begins. Searching for answers becomes priority even frantic at times, anxiety through the roof! Alas, all the inquiring and looking for the answer will never do any good. Because no matter how much you research no matter what you know, the troll is always there at every turn, with his intrusive thoughts leading you to an endless quest, one that will never reach a definitive answer. Those who suffer with Pure-O are aware of this, yet; find themselves seeking for answers anyway to try and neutralize the anxiety, which in turn only triggers further distress and anxiety… the cycle continues.

The bizarre nature of Pure-O is complex and difficult to understand. Living with Pure-O can be overwhelmingly lonely, the torment of continuous intrusive and unwanted thoughts is unbearable; which is why those who suffer, why I; do whatever I must, to avoid triggering the most distressing thoughts that come.  Why, I do my best to create an environment that keeps the most horrific thoughts at bay, though intrusive thoughts never stop, never giving a moment of peace.

My words may seem dismal and depressing. Continue with me on this journey… after all this is the story of “The Journey Up.” To understand Pure-O, to understand me; we must first brave the dreary and desolate trenches of the Troll.  The purpose of my writing is to first bring understanding, then to bring hope and empower others who are living with a mental illness with the knowledge that mental illness does not define us; it is simply a part of us and wearing a mask, hiding is not the answer, because we need never be ashamed. My hope for those who do not suffer with a mental illness but know someone who does- and everyone knows someone; is that you will come away with better understanding, of what it is like to live day to day with mental illness. That you will be empowered with clearer knowledge and empathy; and perhaps open doors to improved relationships with those close to you with mental illness.

Let us walk hand and hand on this journey with an ever bright hope of better days to come.