Once I was told, “You need to stop
trying to be a penguin who thinks she can fly.”This in reference to trying to
control and suppress unwanted and intrusive thoughts; after all, seeing that
these thoughts are the cause for keeping the door closed to everyone; naturally
you would do everything in your power to ensure that you never have an
intrusive thought again, bringing an end to them entirely! Therefore, by trying
to control my thoughts is comparable to a penguin flapping its wings hoping to
fly, simply because flapping wings brings about flying for other birds. We all
know that a penguin is never going to be able to fly; a penguin was not made to
fly. Just as our brains are not designed to ignore conditions we perceive as
threatening. Whenever faced with a threatening situation we automatically come
up solutions to survive, and do everything in our power to guarantee it. This
type of response works for protecting yourself from danger; however, it does
not work for intrusive thoughts; like a penguin who is obsessed with flying.
After hearing this analogy, I was
able to see that what I am doing is not working and it will never work. The
simple fact of the matter is; intrusive thoughts are going to come, no matter what
I do to try to stop them from coming. So what can I do? Learn to be less afraid
of the thoughts that come and work to correct the nature, value and importance
of them toward whatever I may be vulnerable to. Sounds simple enough, until you
are faced with something you are terrified of. To me it feels like someone
telling me, to walk into a lion’s den full of hungry lions; and then saying everything
will be fine. Knowing full well that the threat I feel is not something tangible,
like fighting off a lion; notwithstanding, they are threats that come head to
head with perceived peril to my well being. These perceived threats cannot walk
up and bite me, but they do actually threaten me mentally and cause harm to my
emotional and physical well-being.
On my current path, I am at a complete impasse.
I cannot continue to avoid situations that will cause intrusive thoughts, which
in turn bring about obsessions; obsessions, in my case being endless distressing intrusive thoughts and images.Then of
course all those thoughts coming from the Troll (pure-O) combined with the
urgent impulse to neutralize or get rid of those thoughts; bring about
crippling anxiety, or as I like to call them "hidden routines" known as compulsions. The cycle can do no more than continue. It is all
quite exasperating! I know that it may seem that I have a cool head about all
of this, when immediately upon coming face to face with my Troll (Pure-O) and
all of its debilitating symptoms; the ability to stay calm and think clearly in
a difficult situation, fly out the window; it feels impossible to do anything other than neutralize those thoughts and do everything possible to prevent them from ever coming again.
With having but an inkling of how to overcome
the Troll “(Pure-O), is disheartening and exhausting! To some it may appear
that I have all the answers I need; to defeat whatever it is holding me back.
After all “isn’t having the desire or obligation to let people in, to open the
door enough? Shouldn’t knowing that Pure-O is not rational and logical, be
enough to get over the obstacles that you struggle with?” I can understand
these thoughts and feelings, I can see how they can make sense. I can understand how some people
would ask “At the end of the day, how can you say that you care or love anyone?
How can you claim that you want to spend time with us, be around us when you
never take the opportunity to do so? How can you allow your problems, your
illness to get in the way? If you really wanted to be here you would be here!”
I can understand why those who do not suffer from Pure-O or another form of
mental illness; have a difficult time understanding “why?” I can understand how it might be difficult to
be there for someone who is struggling with mental illness, when nothing makes
sense, and their behavior may not say that they care; or what you do does not seem
to make any difference anyway.
Speaking for myself, knowing these
things make the torment grow exceedingly. Knowing that my inability to let
people in; hurts the people I love most and all those around me, causes deep
anguish throughout every part of my being. Pushing people away is the complete
opposite of what I want to do. Just as it does not make sense to everyone else;
it makes less sense to me. I do not understand why more times than not Pure-O
wins, why it feels impossible for me to face the Troll (Pure-O) when in the moment,
when it is vital to see past the deceit or the shame. I do not understand why I
can’t seem to have the endurance, to take the threat head on; to face the
anxiety. Instead I hide; caged and locked away, alone leaving devastation…
nobody wins.
For most of my life I did not
realize I was pushing people away, I did not understand why I felt the way I
did. Why, certain situations, people and circumstances brought out paralyzing
thoughts and emotions. Looking back I can see that I have spent my life in the
vicious cycle of Pure-O. Now that I know
what is wrong, and have begun a Journey to discover how I can overcome my Troll
(Pure-O). I am empowered with the knowledge that Pure-O does not define me;
Pure-O does not make me who I am. Right now I am struggling dreadfully, and I
do not have the answers; on how I can face the threats that my Troll throws at
me, and come out successful. Just as someone who sets out to obtain snake venom;
begins with basic knowledge, first catch the snake, then get venom. Having so
little information is not going to result in successfully collecting venom! There
are several steps and procedures to learn before success, overcoming fear of a
snake bite might be a long process in of itself.
The more that I dig into Pure-O,
learning my symptoms, how I respond and react to Pure-O; I am continually
confounded by how complex and entangled, the affects of the Troll are in every
aspect of my life. So how does the Troll (Pure-O) not define me? Pure-O is NOT
ME; I would truly be ruthless if Pure-O and its intrusive thoughts were
something that I choose. Pure-O, My Troll; has become enormous and the elephant
in the room. It is human nature to run away from, to ignore what we do not
understand. Unfortunately, my Troll has grown to be the size that it is; simply
because I had no idea what was wrong. How can you treat or do anything about a
problem if you do not know what the problem is? So many of my behaviors and
habits have been something I have done my whole life, I am still uncovering
them and learning to undo them. In essence, I am learning to teach my Troll,
new tricks. So that there will no longer be an elephant in the room and I can
manage Pure-O, heal and become well.
Behind that hideous Troll, is me. I
may be bombarded day in and day out with unwanted an intrusive thoughts. Be
that as it may, I am still here. I am able to think for myself, I am able to
think rationally, see the thoughts of the Troll for what they really are. The
things I do not know are; how to overcome the Troll (Pure-O) despite knowing
these things. I do not know what to do to overcome the symptoms of Pure-O. I am
hopeful that there is a way up and out. Pure-O may always be a part of my life,
something I will have to manage and keep under control each day that I live.
Notwithstanding, I am convinced that it is NOT something I have to struggle
with, that it is NOT something that will keep me caged, miserable, numb and
alone. I am not there yet, not even close! But this is the story of the Journey
Up.
I see sparkles of light with each
step that I take in the right direction. With each step I take along this
Journey Up I find hope, I feel encouragement and I see the way up. Each step I take;
brings to light what I have been fighting so hard to keep hidden. For so long I
thought that exposing my Mental Illness would be the end of me, that I would be
nothing more than a disease, cast away. Now that my Troll- Pure-O has nowhere
to hide, I feel its chains losing their grip. By refusing to hid, to be ashamed;
I have learned that truly what I am exposing is Pure-O, not me. For so long, I
have been taking the Trolls identity as my own, now that he is out in the open;
I can see that I am totally separate from the Troll (Pure-O), and that is a
very encouraging thought!
Daily, I battle and the struggle is
still ever present and great. I have times where I want to give into the flood
gates of despair. Days, weeks and even months where I feel too feeble and weary
to even try. Often I feel lost, defeated and lonely; then I see a glimmer of
light; a tiny, glimmer; that is all that is needed to hold fast to HOPE. There is beauty everywhere if we are willing
to see it. I know all too well what it feels like to be trapped in darkness and
numb to the beauty, joy and happiness that is around you. I promise you in these
darkest of times if all you can do is believe that there is beauty; something will sparkle and you will be able to see that light, and then
there will be hope. Keep, trying, don’t give up, there are better days to come.
Dear Reader, I am glad to have you
along this Journey Up with me. I invite you to comment, to share your stories
your strugglers your triumph, no matter how large or small they may be. As
always, I look forward to hearing your voice.
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Anonymous comments are welcome! What do you think? I would Love to hear from you! An open dialog is encouraged! Leave feed back, questions, opinions, share your stories and experiences. I am excited and eager to hear what you have to say! ~Hope