Hiding

Desperately clinging to the mask that she wears, white knuckled, bone-weary in her attempt to remain hidden. In darkest and most anxious of times she becomes exasperated in her endless quest to find answers to questions she knows, will never be allowed to reach a definitive answer. Racked with torment and disheartenment; every minute of every day. She fights with all the zeal she can muster to hold back the flood gates of despair.

 Gingerly, she protects herself from the tumultuous storms that surge leaving her completely debilitated.  In spite of her meticulous attention to creating an environment of peace and calm; one where she can be herself, free from the anguish that besets her; she finds herself isolated and caged. Why then, does she melee and struggle to keep herself unseen? Why does she detest removing her mask? Why does she hide?

There is no simple or easy answer to these questions.  Many are still puzzling even to me. What has been depicted above is ominous and somber; it may even come across as exaggerated. Dear reader, I can assure you that what is written here is no embellishment of truth. Nor do I think myself above anyone or have suffered more than another. In fact I will be the first to tell you I am ordinary and typical in almost every way.

The purpose for my writing this blog is to stop hiding, to at last remove my mask completely. Perhaps, even help and enable someone else who is struggling like I am. To reach out and say “you are not alone, and there need not be shame.” And to those who do not share in similar struggles; my hope is to empower you with better understanding of those whom you know that do struggle like I do… and everyone knows someone.

Before I reveal my secret my terrible struggle; before, taking that first step in peeling away the layers of my mask. I would like to give you a glimpse into the reason for my mask and why I have held on to it with all my might.

My mask has been like a security blanket. As long as no one knew all of me, than I would be safe. A deep rooted belief has been that absolutely no one would understand and I would be ostracized. The irony of this is I have been doing just that all on my own, and by hiding I have not given the opportunity for someone to understand.  Another deep rooted belief has been if people knew, than I no longer would be a valid person; I would no longer have credible thoughts, ideas or beliefs. I would no longer be thought of as a person, as me, I would become nothing more than a label. A label that people would fear and would not take time to understand, or to love me unconditionally.  

Do I still believe these things? Sadly, I do. If you could see me now, fingers trembling, every inch of my body filled with anxiety, my instincts tell me to run! If you were here now you would clearly be able to see how incredibly difficult this is for me. To unveil my secret is no easy task for me. Alas, I’m pushing past all that because I no longer want to hide, I want to be free of my mask! 

 Okay, here goes… deep breath... Less than two years ago I was diagnosed with OCD, in particular a less known form of OCD called Pure-O.  WOW! There it is in such a short and simple sentence, the truth I have been ashamed to share... I have a mental illness. I am sure many of you are like me and are thinking to yourself. “Okay I have heard of OCD, but what is Pure-O OCD?”  There is no easy way to explain it in a simple paragraph where someone can understand right away. However, surprisingly, the description found in Wikipedia is fairly accurate and what I will use for now in describing my mental illness. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primarily_Obsessional_OCD

It may seem like a bomb shell I have just left for you, I plead for you to be patient with me. I am not in control of my OCD. Nonetheless, I am optimistic and hopeful about my future as I take steps in learning about my illness and how to manage and overcome it and in finding the treatment that will best help me.

Please join me in this journey! I encourage comments, questions, and sharing my blog with everyone. Please do not hesitate to share this blog with as many people as you like. I know what I have written today is vague. Stick with me, you won’t be disappointed, there is still much more to share, explore and discover together.