Hijacked

                        Utterly exhausted, fatigued in every way; unaware of when she woke in the night, she turns to see what time it is.  Her room, pitch black, she easily reads the glowing numbers; 12:16, in the morning; “how long have my eyes been open? I must have fallen asleep around 10:30 in the evening, not again! Not another night like this!” Defeated and discouraged, see attempts to slow her racing mind, to silence the intrusive thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O).

            Carefully, she positions her pillows to allow her to relax, she focuses on breathing, slow and calm; deep breaths in and out. Her eyes closed, doing her best to invent in her mind a serene image, in hope to chase away; the repetitive and distressing thoughts, the Troll is creating inside her mind.

            For a moment, she is able to keep the vexing unwanted thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O) at bay. To no avail, she is unsuccessful; her mind, hijacked and succumbed to the relentless taunting of a voice most vile; her nemesis, the Troll called Pure-O.  

            The hours pass, her mind overcome to the will of demoralizing, antagonistic, unwelcome thoughts. Repeating again and again the Troll without restraint and vicious clamor shouts at her “you are a despicable person, an unfit mother; you are malicious, completely unworthy!” Bewildered and down hearted she tries to ignore the lies cast toward her. “What a fraudulent maggot you are! Always failing to convince yourself you are a good person; a good mother, a good friend. Look at you, you’re a disgrace! No wonder so many people don’t talk to you, you are blameworthy!”

            On and on, long into the night and into the morning she desperately clings to what she knows to be true. She knows the Troll is cunning full of deceit. He twists the facts, what really happened; leaving her believing that there is some truth to what he (Pure-O) tells her. - With little sleep, she gets up to begin her day; never left alone, she struggles to remain positive and hopeful; that one day she will, at last be free from the clutches of the reviled Troll who imprisons her.

            To many this description may seem magnified and dramatized. To some, it may seem no different than the thoughts that most people have from time to time. Everyone has ups and downs, restless nights, doubt; and times where our self-esteem and self-worth is desolate. These experiences are a part of life and something we can all relate to and understand. To my dismay, I am not talking about the expected up’s and downs of life, or the typical racing thoughts that keep us up at night, during difficult and stressing times. I am talking about a mind that is completely hijacked! A mind held captive, over-run with exceedingly distressful and unwanted thoughts and images; which become stuck. Trapped with no way out, they repeat like a broken record.

            This post is one that I fight to write, never before have I put to ink and paper the voice of my Troll (Pure-O). It is arduous, and takes all the vigor of my soul to find the words needed to depict a slight portion, of what it is like to live day to day with a vicious Troll (Pure-O) inside your mind. My heart is somber as I lay before you the immense struggles I endeavor to combat.

            After having a night like the one portrayed above, you can imagine how debilitating life can become; with insufficient sleep and a mind too weary to intervene and subdue intrusive and unwanted thoughts. Pure-O, untamed takes over not only your mind but your life! Growing, more dominate and persuasive each time Pure-O wins.

            At my perpetual worst, when my Troll (Pure-O) was left undiagnosed and wild; my life developed into something completely debilitating. Like a robot, I went from task to task only able to meagerly complete the bare minimal, despite my best efforts; hardly human, devoid of life, entirely numb to feeling happiness and joy! Because my life had become unmanageable, I crash landed, rock bottom, flat on my back. My journey to finding help will have to be told another day. It is important to note that I am still in quest to find treatment beyond what I have received. There are not many specialists for OCD (OCD Pure-O) so getting the help that I need has been slow and unavailable to me. However, on the horizon; is a treatment center I soon will be able to visit which is out of state for me. I feel this treatment center is a strong candidate to finally finding the answers that I need to overcome Pure-O. For Now, I will describe how I am best able to manage Pure-O now.

            Something tricky about Pure-O is you cannot fight with it. Meaning if the Troll (Pure-O) tells you that you are a bad person; you absolutely cannot describe and think of all the ways you are not a bad person. I can assure you this is a lot easier said than done! Pure-O is a form of OCD; so naturally, the mind becomes Obsessed with something which is followed by a Compulsion or Compulsions. I cringe, upon hearing the words “Obsessive” and “Compulsive” as indicated in the name OCD=Obsessive- Compulsive- Disorder; and in my case “Primarily Obsessive-OCD (or Pure-O)”. Instead, I like to call Obsessive = “need for assurance” and Compulsive= “imperative need for relief”. Pure-O, brings absolutely no satisfaction or enjoyment ever. Pure-O is always painful, something I desperately try to avoid; yet, cannot escape. So I do not like to be thought of as someone obsessed and compulsive, OCD I feel has different meaning and significance to these words than how we typically use them.

            To fight with Pure-O, only aggravates the intrusive thoughts and images, causing them to increase and grow greater meaning. Thus, creating the need for assurance; and the need for relief from the distress and anxiety the thoughts and images are causing. This battle will never lead to a definitive answer; the mind becomes stuck, trapped in a never ending cycle. One would think that if you just think of something else than everything would be alright. There is truth to this, but it is not that simple. The voice of Pure-O is loud and relentless, often drowning everything else out; even with your best efforts to redirect the thoughts. This is something I am still learning how to do. The best way I can describe it is in this… If a fire engine sounding every siren was always right next to you, no matter where you go or what you did, there it would be, loud as ever. How difficult would it be for you to think of anything other than the sound of the siren; and the distress it is causing you? This is like the daily struggle with Pure-O.

            I believe with consistent treatment, hard work and hope the voice of the Troll (Pure-O) can take its place in the background, unnoticed, unheard, having no significance. One of the ways I have begun to do this is by giving my attention completely to something I enjoy doing. I have a list of many things that I can do each day that will help me avert my energy into something positive, ignoring whatever the Troll has to say.

            An example of one of the ways I do this is by Homeschooling my small children. To most it would seem that if my life is unmanageable, than how can I possibly be successful with teaching my children myself? To my amazement, Homeschooling is a positive outlet and distraction for me. The Troll is still there at every turn, but because I enjoy my delightful Children and the opportunity to spend my days with them, teaching them, learning with them, playing together. I am able to focus on the task at hand, with the determination to succeed because my children need a quality education. I am not saying that Homeschooling is the key to overcoming mental illness. It is finding something that works for you. Obviously, I cannot Home school all of the time, though it does take a good portion of my day. Nor, can I ignore responsibility by just doing things I enjoy to keep Pure-O at bay. By doing things I enjoy when I am able; helps me to walk in a positive direction and to relieve the distress and anxiety I feel, allowing me to face my nemesis with a little more energy and confidence.

            Living with a Mental Illness is difficult, it is draining, and the greatest struggle I have ever known, having my mind hostage to something so dark and unproductive, is harrowing.

            I would love to hear from you, what are your thoughts, wither you have Mental Illness or not. What do you or someone you know; do to overcome the symptoms of their illness. What are your experiences? What are your struggles and your successes? Please leave a comment; I would love to speak with you.

As always, I invite you to come along on this Journey Up, with me.