Surrounded by Many and Totally Alone

            Trapped within her, an onslaught of horrific, intrusive thoughts and images runs wild, on a rampage for weeks on end. Growing inside her is an ever-present need to escape the suffocating affects of living with a Troll; called Pure-O OCD, inside her mind. Troubled, trembling she wracks her mind for solutions; as to ease the distress and terrible anxiousness she is overcome with. Desperate for relief, she paces the floor; tears of agony stream down her cheeks as she searches for a name, someone she can talk to in the very hour of her great need. The day has just begun; her loving and supporting husband is away at work, unavailable to her. Parentless, without groundwork of extended family and friends, she finds herself isolated and alone.

            A few names come to her mind, those kind and endearing family and friends who have extended love and support to her. Distraught, she endeavors to build the strength to confined and rely on someone with, her uttermost grief and pain. Without fail she concludes; that she is too broken, a friend to none, too much of a burden that no one should have to endure and carry.

            Making a mighty resolve to try harder, to do better; she buries her distress, her pain in the deepest enclave of her heart. Wiping away the tears on her face, she holds her head high and puts a smile on her face. With intense focus she puts her hands to work, striving to make a positive difference, to do some good; longing for the day she will have become good enough to reach out to someone else, to be a true friend.

            Last night, someone came to my door, as the doorbell rang I bolted into another room saying “I am unavailable!” just as I have done for many years. My husband and children were home, they are always eager and willing to see who has come. I admire them for being enthusiastic and happy to open the door to the person(s) on the other side. For me, upon hearing the doorbell or knock on the door, terror and crippling anxiety reign and take over; and I fall back to my usual neutralize and avoidance techniques. Much to my shame and dismay my technique for the door is to run and hide, usually in my closet!

            As I stood in my closet, hiding, repeating over and over in my mind “next time I will do better, next time I will do better…” I heard a familiar voice, it was my dearest friend; who has seen me and my home at its worst again and again for numerous years. Still, I wrestled with anxiety and feelings of not being able to go see and talk with my friend. I was a mess, hair untamed, tired eyes; I don’t recall looking in the mirror that day until that very moment. I had crusted food on my cloths fallen from my babies afternoon snack, my socks did not even match, having been too exhausted to find a pair. My husband came into the room and asked me if I was willing to say hello? I nearly said, “I can’t”. Then I remembered a promise that I made to myself, to push past the Troll (Pure-O) when certain persons that I named; called or came to my door. I started small with the list of names, just three names; because I know all too well how the Troll (Pure-O) works when I try to take too much on. It was difficult to come up with a list, somewhere manageable for me to start; because I can fill a book with a list of names of people I want to be able to let in, people I should be able to let in.

            Being careful to ensure that the goal I was setting for myself was reasonable for me, I pondered a great deal about who I would promise to let in, no matter what! It sounds ridiculous I know. The grief I feel in this matter is beyond expression, I do not understand why I struggle immensely with letting in even the most kind and loyal of people. Whenever I think of the words “dear friend” several names come to my mind, I have been richly blessed with good people in my life. One in particular; has been able to reach me even when I was unreachable! Lost, wondering in darkness, stumbling and weary someone entered into my life, a brilliant beacon pointing the way. Like an Angel, constant and sure she has been there despite my pushing her away for years. I am astounded and touched that someone would be unchanging as she has been in her love and care for me, especially because we are not related.

            So there in the doorway stood my dearest friend and one of her daughters. Holding back tears in my eyes because of the battle I was in to push past my Troll (Pure-O), frozen where I stood I changed the direction of the thoughts I was having; toward, walking out of darkness and loneliness; to taking one step at a time into light and freedom. So timidly, I began to move one foot in front of the other, pained by such overwhelming feelings of anxiety for even someone I love.  With each step the thunderous voice of the Troll (Pure-O) was heard, unrelenting and vicious were the intrusive thoughts used to flood my mind; in attempt to overpower my own thoughts. True to my promise I made to myself I pushed past Pure-O, my Troll. The conversation I had with my dear friend was lovely as usual, she shared with me something’s that were going on in her life, she asked me about mine, listened, and offered support, leaving with a hug for me and saying “I love you.”

            Our conversation was fairly brief, about 20 minutes. Yet, this one experience was so much more to me. It was not simple or easy for me to push past Pure-O, to push past the shame and the guilt I was feeling. Pure-O consumes all things good; it deprives you of feeling joy, happiness, excitement and enthusiasm. It takes away confidence, your freedom, it can consume your life; leaving you desolate and totally alone. It bombards your mind with intrusive, unwanted thoughts and images relinquishing you to severe distress and peril. It is difficult, and at times; impossible, to see past Pure-O, even the irrational and most bizarre thoughts of Pure-O, can feel like they have significant meaning. To further complicate things, even when you are able to see past Pure-O that does not mean that the affects, the compulsions and cycle of Pure-O cease. These things and many other symptoms and aspects of Pure- O, pave the way for pushing away even a dear friend. A friend who has been brave enough to keep knocking on my closed door year after year. Talking with my dear friend and her daughter was a wonderful experience. Pushing past my Troll, Pure –O, opened the door for a little more light to come in, taking a little more power away from the Troll and the hold it has on me.

The past several weeks have been trying for me, I have kept myself in the house for three weeks straight. Throughout different periods of my life I have gone much longer never stepping one step outside. My husband and children have enjoyed themselves and have gone many places together and with friends. I have had not been able to step outside until a few days ago. I forced myself to be brave and leave the comfort of my home; we went for a drive and took the kids to a park. I surprised myself and ignored the anxiety best I could, I ran around chasing my children! Normally I would sit on a bench, to exhausted to play or do anything but sit. I was still too tired and exhausted; yet, this time I mustard the energy and strength anyway. Out on the open field of grass, spending time with my family on a childhood playground; one that brought fond memories to my mind; was a positive release for me. It was invigorating to actually run as hard as I could to chase my delightful children up and down, the hills and across the field. Every time Pure-O, that horrid Troll wanted to rob me of this positive experience, I was able to think of myself at this very same park as a child, free from Pure-O. I thought of my Grandparents gate just a few feet away, they are no longer living there but it felt like I could open that gate and find myself more than 20 years in the past; walk up to the house, open the door and there would be my loving Grandparents and Mother, lively and well.

Overall, the past few days has been good for me, because of going to the park with my family and actually being there with them, not totally lost inside my head. And because my dear friend came to visit me and I was able to push past the Troll and talk with her. I know what you may be thinking… “Pure-O does not sound all that complicated or difficult to me, you really can just get over it, and ‘push past it’ just do it anyway”. Sometimes being able to push past it and doing it anyway is what I am able to do for a BRIEF time. I have hope that one day with a lot of hard work and effort, I will be able to push past Pure-O all the time. Something that many people do not know is; pushing past Pure-O is not just a happy ending, it is the beginning. Pure-O is there always!  Pushing past Pure-O, does not mean the Troll has left the building, for me the Troll becomes a less noisy and intimidating Troll; for a small moment, but still as volatile as ever! Out of nowhere Pure-O ramped and wild can be triggered, making it impossible to continue to do what I am doing; no matter how much I want  to do whatever it is I am doing and no matter how important it is; or who it involves.

Because Pure-O is ALWAYS there, you never have a moment of peace, more like a glimmer or glimpse of peace on occasion. For instance, there was anxiety before my dear friend came for a visit; moments before she came I was eating dinner with my husband and children. For no reason at all; I battle sitting down to eat dinner with my own family because of the symptoms of Pure-O.  Then an increase of anxiety came because someone was at the door, I ran I hid; which in turn, brought further anxiety, guilt and shame, along with racing intrusive thoughts. Next came combating Pure-O so that I could talk with my friend. Pushing past Pure-O and talking with my friend does not make Pure-O go away! Every word, every second that Machiavellian Troll is there trying to bring me to my demise. After talking with my friend I feel good for a moment, I feel pleased with myself for overcoming Pure-O for this one conversation. Then the beasty side wind of the Troll comes in at full force. Dissecting and analyzing every word that I spoke to my friend.  That relentless Troll brings with perfect clarity every detail of that one conversation, what I did, what I said; what I should have done, what I should not have done. On and on these intrusive thoughts and images pass through my mind, an endless sea of words that have nothing pleasant to say and never an encouraging thought! That insulting Troll takes every good feeling, every good thing of even the smallest moment and turns it into something ugly. Leaving nothing left but devastation. Making next time “pushing past” Pure-O that much harder!

It does not matter who it is, how wonderful and kind someone is, what good things you do, that ghastly Troll (Pure-O) robs you everything decent and good. You can do nothing right! Pure-O has you believing you are worthless, and every deceitful and horrid thing there can possibly be; is what you are made of and give to everyone.

There is much more to say and understand here, this is but a peek into the life of someone who struggles with Pure-O. I have only begun to chip away at exposing the true nature of Pure-O and what it is like to live daily with it. This is but a glimpse in How you can be surrounded by people, even loving and kind people who want to support you and help you; yet, remain totally alone. This post will be continued, please continue to come on this Journey Up with me. It is not easy for me to walk along this Journey and share it with anyone who will listen, notwithstanding I am honored and glad that you are here with me. Please comment, I look forward to hearing your voice.