Running for the Exit

               Almost always, whenever someone asks me, “how are you?” I will reply automatically, “good” with what I think is a smile on my face, I don’t know? I am always full of anxiety, doubt, fear and panic, I think my face gets confused between an expression of, joy, calm and pleasant… and, freaked out, horror and consternation (I know that last one sounds like something else, I really am trying not to offend). All joking aside, why is it that we feel the need to wear a mask? We say everything is “FINE”, act like everything is “GOOD”; we have everyone around us fooled into believing we are “WELL”, when we are not. And if you are anything like me, “WELL” must mean you fell off the face of the Earth, because you are nowhere to be found.

                I have become really good at convincing myself that I really am, “good, fine and dandy” because after all, if someone is close enough to be asking me “how are you?” Than I am really doing “well”. I rarely answer my phone, so a question like this almost always means, I made it out of my safe place, my cave, known as my bedroom! Therefore, I do not feel that answering the question “how are you?” with “I’m good” it is a lie; because in that moment, I have done something really great!  In that moment I am facing my greatest fears, and I know all too well for me to actually be standing next to someone other than my husband and my children, means I have gone through a million steps; a process I probably backed out of several times, rescheduled, lost sleep over, had panic attacks, doubted and utterly terrified out of my mind over… you get the picture! What may seem small to most people, is anything but small to me, it takes great effort for me to do just about anything!

                It has taken me nearly my entire life, to finally begin to celebrate my victories, those seemingly small things actually are a great success! I have found that when I acknowledge my victories, even if that victory is as "small" as getting dressed for the day, or resisting my rituals and compulsions for even a minute, those “small things” really are success, something worthy of celebration! By acknowledging that I did something good, something that was really hard for me, it takes back power my illness has over me, helping to build confidence that I can do it again, that maybe next time I will be able to reach just a little further. And you know what? It works!!!

                Which brings me to my topic today… Running for the Exit! As I mentioned in my last *post, I will be beginning treatment with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and Exposure and Response Prevention  (ERP) therapy for the first time. In case any of you are worried this is an announcement of cancelling and backing out of treatment, be rest assured I am committed to becoming well and doing whatever it takes to do so, there will be no backing out. Not for a lack of wanting to though! I owe NOT backing out of treatment to everyone who supports me with my Journey Up, so if you are reading this, that means YOU! Though I do not like to admit it, I am really, really good at putting things off for another day, especially if that something has to do with facing my Troll (pure-O, OCD). I know it doesn’t help and it makes my fears and my nemesis the Troll grow stronger; yet, the small amount of relief that comes from hiding and avoiding anything and everything that triggers my Obsessions (Intrusive Thoughts) and preforming my *Hidden Routines (Compulsions) is a powerful motivator to continue to hide, to avoid and perform my rituals “just one last time” (it never is just one time, it’s more like a 1000 times and that still will never be enough!) So why do I or anyone who has OCD keep doing these things even when we know it will not help? The answer in a nutshell, is because there is always just enough doubt and an incredible amount of fear that has us believing something terrible will happen “if I don’t” and it will be “my fault”. I hide and avoid Obsessions (intrusive thoughts) because I do not want to perform Compulsions over and over and over again because of the intrusive thoughts, which only bring about more Intrusive Thoughts and more Compulsions, the cycle grows round and round.

                Needless to say, I am freaking out about beginning therapy! Deep down I know it is the right thing to do, and is the way for me to at last learn how to be free of the torment I suffer each day. Notwithstanding, ever since I made that call to a specialist to receive therapy, and I actually followed through with my appointment, and even scheduled several more appointments; for an intensive treatment program. It is like my Troll (pure-o, OCD) can sense its impending demise. So of course, that devil-may-care Troll with its malicious swagger, attempts, with full force to bereave me of all hope and courage to press on. I am so full of anxiety and racing Intrusive Thoughts, to the point that I can barely function! Huge parts of my days if not the entire day, I am completely debilitated! Life for me has been put on hold, it is all that I can do to survive and do my best to remain positive and stay on track to receiving treatment. I seriously want to call the therapist I will be working with and cancel! Even though I do not want to cancel and I desperately want help, I know I am in need of serious help! The only reason why canceling is so appealing is because it feels like the only way to make the anxiety, panic, and horrible Intrusive Thoughts I am having STOP! Running for the Exit and crawling back into a hole can actually sound pretty good, most of the time.

             

                     But, this is the story of the Journey UP, it is my story with all the good, the grotesque, and the ups and downs that come with having OCD. So my aim with this post, with my blog is to encourage and to hopefully bring about understanding and awareness, and maybe, just maybe inspire someone who suffers like I do. In my case, what has been incredibly helpful in staying the course and not running for the exit like I usually do. Has been reaching out to others and letting them know what I face, letting them know the whole truth, no matter how ugly it is. It has also been incredibly helpful for me to reach out and make friends with people who are struggling with similar things that I do. It is extremely encouraging to know that I am not alone, that there are many people who think and feel very much the same way as I do, if not the exact same way. It is empowering to watch other people in their Journey, to see them doing extremely difficult things, facing horrific fears head on. Through watching them, seeing their struggle and pain through their eyes, I can’t help but think, “If they can do it, then so can I!” I cannot stress enough the importance of reaching out, it is scary and you have potential to be burned. I can testify, that even if you have been burned after sharing your suffering with another (and I have many times been burned) if you will be willing to pick yourself up, brush the dust off and try again, you will find the support that you stand in need of.

                Knowing myself very well and the pattern of behavior that I have when it comes to avoiding triggers for my Obsessions (intrusive thoughts) and Compulsions. I knew that I need to find a way to hold myself accountable. For me, it has been this blog and letting those close to me as well as friends I have made who suffer like I do, know about my plans for treatment. Telling them when I have scheduled appointments and where I am at with my OCD right now, keeps me on the path to finding wellness. By doing these things, opens doors for understanding, compassion, empathy, and information that I would not have found on my own. Without a doubt, knowing myself, I would have already cancelled my appointment for treatment, if I had kept my plans for treatment and how I am doing a secret. What is working for me, may not be for you. And that is okay, it is finding what is going to work for you.

                Sharing my story with the World, anyone who cares to listen, is not easy. But I am happy to do it. It helps keep me on track and has potential to help someone else, which is incredibly rewarding! Thank you dear reader, for coming on the Journey with me. I know I sound like a broken record when I say that. It is with immense gratitude that I say it again and again, because I know that you do not have to spend some time here with me, and there are countless things that you could be doing instead. You being here and coming back speaks volumes about who you are and I am grateful for your choice to be here. You help to lift and inspire me. You are sparkles of light!

                Come, continue this Journey Up with me. I welcome comments, share your stories of struggle and triumph, I know and understand how difficult it can be to share these experiences, I gladly welcome anonymous comments if you would rather not have anyone know who you are, including me. (In the comments box click on “share as”, then click “anonymous”) I welcome questions and am happy to answer them. Please continue this Journey with me subscribe/follow by e-mail, I am glad you are here with me! 

Beginning Treatment

          Last week was a huge step for me! I followed through with my appointment for an Diagnostic Assessment for an; Intensive Treatment Program, offered from an OCD treatment center. Keeping my appointment was anything but child’s play; my anxiety level skyrocketed, leaving a diabolical mess within myself. To give a little back story, it has taken me more than 10 long months to muster the courage to make this particular phone call! Sounds pathetic I know. To understand why a call for help can be remarkably difficult, you need to understand OCD’s doubting. Keeping in mind that there are abounding reasons and varying circumstances depending on each individual, there is no recipe to understanding mental illness. Notwithstanding, understanding someone else is something you can achieve; if you are willing to look beyond what you know.

          Having OCD you are plagued with constant reoccurring doubt. Because there is insurmountable doubt, there is the need to seek certainty. It is this need for certainty and need to eliminate doubt that leads many people with OCD to perform repetitive behaviors, known as rituals; these type of rituals are known as reassurance seeking rituals. You can find more information on this here.

In my case, having Pure-O OCD, my compulsions or rituals are almost always cognitive. For example, my experience with making a phone call to a therapist brought out thoughts like… What if I am a fraud? What if I seek help, only to find out that I have made everything up? Then came thoughts that were horrifying… If the truth is I am a fraud; that would mean that all the intrusive thoughts that I have, are true and those thoughts are who I really am, and that makes me the worst kind of person! An overwhelming list of intrusive thoughts came flooding into my mind. My attempt to reassure and make certain that I am not a fraud, was to bring into my mind every situation that I could think of where I had intrusive thoughts. That is devastating, I have countless intrusive thoughts each and every day, which cause me agonizing distress! With each thought and situation I brought into my mind a crystal clear picture, checking and rechecking and checking again every detail to make sure that what I thought, what I said, and what I did was honest, checking over and over again, to see if I am a fraud. This paints a glimpse into how challenging it can be to take mental illness head on and ask for help. Often it can feel like treatment is the opposite of help!

An inability to tolerate doubt can be mortifying! Leaving you stuck in a moral dilemma accompanied by hopelessness. For me, not only are the debilitating symptoms of OCD there, but also moral crisis about my very existence and my own nature! It is because of this I often feel guilty, confused and alone. Like pouring lemon juice on a wound, is knowing that certainty is a mirage, we don’t live in a world where all traces of doubt can be eliminated, it’s just not possible. Yet, that does not stop me from seeking reassurance and looking for that allusive certainty I feel compelled to find, this causes great pain in of itself, it’s maddening!

One of the most painful things for me is knowing that rituals never provide lasting relief or a solution; nonetheless, I often preform rituals because they can be helpful for reducing doubt in the moment. The fact of the matter is doubt will inescapably rebound, rituals will become less effective for diminishing anxiety over time, and the symptoms of ODC will inevitably grow! My advice to anyone who struggles with OCD or any mental illness is… You do not have to wait until you are drowning to get help, things will not get better by itself, there is a way up and you are not alone.

Which brings me back to the phone call that was terrifying for me. This phone call was such an incredible challenge for me because of my illness, knowing that the doubt I feel is OCD and not me; does not open the door to simply being able to make a call to receive help. Struggling to make that call was not about not wanting help, I desperately want help, I know I need help! For me, and I am sure it is much the same way for  many other people, doing what it takes to accept help is a process. And that process varies from person to person. What works for me, does not mean it will work for you or someone else you may know, it also does not mean that it will not.

 The puzzle to overcoming my personal struggle with OCD- Pure-O, Anxieties and Depression has come bit by bit, piece by piece; I am still a long way from seeing the full picture, and I have a long road ahead of me before becoming my own hero; however, I am beginning to see the pieces fit together, which is extremely encouraging! Often vital pieces of my puzzle have come from unexpected places. Almost always in my case, key components have come from…

1.   Being willing to explore new ideas, and things that I may not feel comfortable or okay with at first.

2.   Accepting that I cannot do it alone and I am not okay

3.   Facing my fears

4.   Positive support from people who are an active part in my life.

         None of the above is simple or easy for any of us, mental illness or not. That being said, it is still necessary for recovery and wellness; it is the doorway leading to freedom. It took me more than a year after falling flat on my back, I am drowning, completely debilitated; before I was willing to accept new ideas and try things I felt were out of the question. Another obstacle I had to overcome in order to find and receive help was to reach out, let people in; because there is no way to do it alone (believe me I have tried, failing miserably!) I had to learn to, allow those who care about me, know about my terrible battle, the struggle and suffering I face each day. And when I felt that no one cared, I had to be willing to reach out and find someone who would care, and an extra hard part was being willing to challenge my thinking and see that those who I thought did not care, actually do care. I wont lie, some people in my life, even vital people in my life, don't care. Of coarse that hurts and is hard to deal with, but I couldn't let those negative people, no matter who they are; stop me from climbing higher. I had to share my secret and what I fought so hard to keep hidden from everyone! I started small with someone I could trust, slowly I began to let other people in, those whom I felt would understand. Until, eventually I was able to come completely out of hiding. I began this blog and have surrendered to the truth… what I am exposing is OCD, not me; OCD-Pure-O does not define me! Of course writing a blog and telling the world and everyone you know is not necessary for recovery and overcoming mental illness, it is finding what is going to work for you personally.

I write this blog because through sharing my story and experiences, the good and the ugly. I have been able to see that we are not as alone as we think that we are. And many people who do not struggle with mental illness; want to understand and want to be supportive and help, but may not know how to. If I can help bring awareness, understanding and be support to someone who does struggle with mental illness of any kind, than my goals for this blog would have exceeded expectation. I write to serve you Dear Reader.

So here I stand at the beginning of a new chapter, beginning treatment. I will be traveling out of state, (because of a lack of specialists where I live) to receive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) from an OCD specialist. I will be sharing my experience with you, I will also be taking video logs of my Journey Up and posting them on this blog, the good, the bad and the ugly, the ups and downs, this truly will be a Journey you can take with me, and happy to have you here with me. You will be able to see into the life of someone struggling with and overcoming mental illness. Please subscribe by email to this blog and come along this Journey Up with me.

I encourage comments, though I know this is a painful subject, and not something easily shared with others, I completely understand. I gladly welcome ANNOYMOUS comments no matter who you are, though you do not have to comment anonymously if you do not want to.  Click on "Comment as", scroll down the options listed for sharing a comment, click on anonymous, that's it no one will be able to see who you are, not even me. Please share your thoughts, your opinions, your stories, struggles and triumph, an open dialog is welcome. I welcome questions and will be happy to answer them. I look forward to your comments. Thank you Dear Reader, for being here with me!

Determined

            Reaching her limits; she determines she will no longer be afraid to face her nemesis, the Troll (Pure-O, OCD); breaking free from the tenacious grip he has over her. For, she has spent too many sleepless nights bound by torment, as a result of endless racing intrusive thoughts. Day by day, year after year she has been paralyzed by crippling anxiety, kept from family and friends, unable to allow anyone to know of the immense struggle and torture she endeavors to overcome each day.  Until now; at long last, that atrocious Troll (Pure-O) has nowhere to hide! Courageously, she stepped into light, out of hiding; exposing the true nature of Pure-O, sharing her story with anyone who will listen. Today she stands in the doorway to; the way up. The road is long and full of agony, setbacks and frustration. Feeble and weary, she presses on. The Journey up is painful; she is required to face insurmountable odds, taking head on the most terrifying aspects of her symptoms. Clinging to hope, believing she will one day triumph, she climbs higher and higher.

 

            Living with Pure-O, OCD; is torture. Positive experiences are robbed from you. Numb to feeling joy and happiness. Your mind is hijacked, flooded with intense, unwanted and intrusive thoughts, consumed you seek for relief, only the relief you are compelled to is; anything but positive and helpful, in fact it is the opposite. The compulsions or “hidden routines” as I like to call them, of Pure-O are painful and cause the cycle to grow and to continue. Knowing that the compulsions you perform are unhelpful; makes giving into them, tedious and agonizing; bringing about feelings of boundless guilt and shame. Overcoming Pure-O is like pushing a massive boulder up hill, resisting obsessions and compulsions does not bring relief, in fact it brings about more anxiety and fear. Having to trust that repeatedly resisting your obsessions and compulsions will eventually bring freedom, is an uphill battle; filled with doubt and setbacks. Overcoming Pure-O feels impossible, it requires extreme effort over a long period of time.

              This is the story of the Journey Up. Why is it the Journey Up? Because there is a massive mountain in my way called Pure-O, which I must climb to overcome my mental illness and nemesis, maybe for you this mountain has another name. Nonetheless, it is still a struggle, and the Journey Up will stretch us to our limits having us doubt we can overcome this mighty mountain. Notwithstanding, I believe that the Journey Up is possible and there is a way to reach the other side. Leaving that enormous mountain behind us, until one day we can look back and discover that the mountain is now small, a thing of the past… Success at last!

             To some this all may seem like an exaggeration, after all there are many experiences that would merit much more suffering and pain. I have no doubt there are countless people who have suffered more than I have. Yet, I also know that mental illness of all kinds are misunderstood, belittled and made out to be something that one can just “get over”. There is little understanding and tolerance for those of us who suffer with mental illness. I can testify that lack of awareness, understanding and support renders it impossible for many who suffer; to find and receive the treatment and help that they are in need of, much less being able to overcome and manage their illness and symptoms. Which is why I continue and will continue to write this blog, too often people with mental illness are thought of as not being able to speak for themselves. Such a thought could not be more wrong. Even though I am but one voice, I believe I can make a difference, even if I reach but one person, it will have been worth it

Yesterday was a miserable and frustrating day for me. Miserable because my OCD was at a full blown 10, it could not have been any worse for me! Frustrating, because what triggered Pure-O to run ramped and wild, was actually something that should have been a positive experience for me.  Before I continue, I want you to know that is not easy for me to give the details of my Troll. Not until I began writing this blog did I dig deep into my personal experience living with Pure-O. I did not realize I was burying deep inside; my symptoms and struggle with Pure-O. Much of what I face daily, I never shared with even my husband until, January of this year! Sharing my story has been a positive and healing experience for me; truly this is the story of the Journey Up.

In my last post which you can read here, I promised to continue that post or have a part II, I will touch on a little more about the subject of being surrounded by many people, even kind and loving people who want to support you; yet, remaining totally alone. Much to my dismay and utter shame, I struggle at times; and at my utmost worst having been completely debilitated, which was not too long ago for me. I struggled and battled everyday to sit at the dinner table with my own husband and 5 small children. More often than not during this period of time when I was completely shut down; I ate alone in my bedroom, while my family enjoyed eating together at the family dinner table. This can sound pathetic I know, how can any Wife, or Mother have terrible, debilitating anxiety around her own husband and children? The answer to this question is not simple and perplexing, least of all easy to understand.

            Because Pure-O robs you of all things good, taking what should be a positive experience and turning it into a gnarly ball of anxiety, filled with vile intrusive thoughts that have you believing that you are an unfit human being in every way. You are left without a single pleasant thought feeling devastated you search for the truth, but no matter how much you fight Pure-O, providing evidence and fact of what really happened, who it is you really are. Pure-O has a way of creating doubt; just enough to have you thinking that all those intrusive thoughts are true!

            It has been my experience that most of my intrusive thoughts revolve around responsibility. Even as a small child I took responsibility for every bad thing that happened in my life, or in the lives of those around me; especially in the lives of those I cared about and love. When something bad happened I would make a resolve to try harder, to be a better, kinder person. When I became a Mother and my responsibility increased so did the severity of the symptoms of my Troll, Pure-O. To the point where today, I believe that I am a horrid, unfit Mother who does nothing but cause harm to my children. So when I look at my children, I see all the ways that I am not good enough for them, all the ways that I have damaged them from my “negligence” or “inability to be enough for them”. As the day progresses, I become more and more weary; my mind becomes increasingly foggy too exhausted to combat Pure-O, by this point I am completely succumbed to intrusive thoughts, I shut down. Which makes eating dinner with my family impossible; being near them at this point triggers more and more intrusive thoughts. I retreat, I try to neutralize and eliminate the intrusive thoughts, I keep myself isolated in attempt to keep the Troll (Pure-O) at bay.

            The more I am around the people that I feel I have let down, or have in fact have let down and disappointed. The more the symptoms of Pure-O overpower me. Until I have reached a point of total shut down. Which often means I have locked myself in my bedroom, avoid contact in any way with the person(s) whom I feel unfit or unworthy to be around, I avoid answering my front door, the telephone, even stepping outside of my home, at my worst I could not step outside my bedroom door. It is maddening to be trapped inside the vicious and relentless cycle of the Troll (Pure-O).

            The way Pure-O works in my mind after I have disappointed or hurt someone wither I actually have or not. I then have to “become better”, to “be good enough” before I can ever speak with or see them again. I usually come up with a plan that isn’t realistic, not realizing that it is not possible for me to execute my plan. Inescapably, I fail in my attempt to “set things right” which in turn creates a greater need to keep my distance from that person(s) thus, a grater resolve must be made to become better person. On occasion I am able to speak with or see the people I feel I am not worthy for. However, the Troll is always there, intrusive thoughts flood in confirming all the previous intrusive thoughts; adding new intrusive thoughts, making it impossible to see past the lies and anxiety.

            The more that I love and care about someone, the more I struggle with intrusive thoughts and compulsions. It has become easier to keep myself shut out from everyone, so that all the misery and pain of Pure-O can be kept to a minimum. This comes at a heavy and dreadfully excruciating price which actually, does not offer any real relief from the Troll. I am isolated, alone, caged. My family and friends believe I do not care and do not love them, which could not be further from the truth. I do not blame my family and friends for having these feelings toward me, it is difficult to come to a conclusion other than I must not care; when the fact is, I do not call, I do not go to family events, I do not invite family or friends to my home. Ironically the Troll has me believing that I am saving them from harm because I am not a part of their life.

            Landing flat on my back and realizing that my life has become unmanageable, I am determined to do whatever it takes to overcome my symptoms, to be able to manage Pure-O. I am sick of being confined to such a lonely and miserable cage. I am fed up with sleepless nights, crippling anxiety, panic attacks, hidden routines, avoiding people I care about and love, living with an odious Troll inside my mind.  I am working hard every day and on my way to effective treatment. My Journey Up is difficult, I have much to overcome. Many in my family do not understand; however, I am confident that one day I will be able to overcome and triumph completely! I cannot do this alone, I am grateful for my extremely supportive husband, for family and friends who are patient with me and kind. I am thrilled to meet and make friends with wonderful people I have met through this blog and hope to make more friends. I look forward to continuing this Journey Up with all those who would like to join me.

            Together, no matter where you are in life, mental illness or not we can make a positive difference. You can triumph, reaching the other side of your mighty mountain! Please share your thoughts and experiences. As always, I look forward to hearing from you.

Surrounded by Many and Totally Alone

            Trapped within her, an onslaught of horrific, intrusive thoughts and images runs wild, on a rampage for weeks on end. Growing inside her is an ever-present need to escape the suffocating affects of living with a Troll; called Pure-O OCD, inside her mind. Troubled, trembling she wracks her mind for solutions; as to ease the distress and terrible anxiousness she is overcome with. Desperate for relief, she paces the floor; tears of agony stream down her cheeks as she searches for a name, someone she can talk to in the very hour of her great need. The day has just begun; her loving and supporting husband is away at work, unavailable to her. Parentless, without groundwork of extended family and friends, she finds herself isolated and alone.

            A few names come to her mind, those kind and endearing family and friends who have extended love and support to her. Distraught, she endeavors to build the strength to confined and rely on someone with, her uttermost grief and pain. Without fail she concludes; that she is too broken, a friend to none, too much of a burden that no one should have to endure and carry.

            Making a mighty resolve to try harder, to do better; she buries her distress, her pain in the deepest enclave of her heart. Wiping away the tears on her face, she holds her head high and puts a smile on her face. With intense focus she puts her hands to work, striving to make a positive difference, to do some good; longing for the day she will have become good enough to reach out to someone else, to be a true friend.

            Last night, someone came to my door, as the doorbell rang I bolted into another room saying “I am unavailable!” just as I have done for many years. My husband and children were home, they are always eager and willing to see who has come. I admire them for being enthusiastic and happy to open the door to the person(s) on the other side. For me, upon hearing the doorbell or knock on the door, terror and crippling anxiety reign and take over; and I fall back to my usual neutralize and avoidance techniques. Much to my shame and dismay my technique for the door is to run and hide, usually in my closet!

            As I stood in my closet, hiding, repeating over and over in my mind “next time I will do better, next time I will do better…” I heard a familiar voice, it was my dearest friend; who has seen me and my home at its worst again and again for numerous years. Still, I wrestled with anxiety and feelings of not being able to go see and talk with my friend. I was a mess, hair untamed, tired eyes; I don’t recall looking in the mirror that day until that very moment. I had crusted food on my cloths fallen from my babies afternoon snack, my socks did not even match, having been too exhausted to find a pair. My husband came into the room and asked me if I was willing to say hello? I nearly said, “I can’t”. Then I remembered a promise that I made to myself, to push past the Troll (Pure-O) when certain persons that I named; called or came to my door. I started small with the list of names, just three names; because I know all too well how the Troll (Pure-O) works when I try to take too much on. It was difficult to come up with a list, somewhere manageable for me to start; because I can fill a book with a list of names of people I want to be able to let in, people I should be able to let in.

            Being careful to ensure that the goal I was setting for myself was reasonable for me, I pondered a great deal about who I would promise to let in, no matter what! It sounds ridiculous I know. The grief I feel in this matter is beyond expression, I do not understand why I struggle immensely with letting in even the most kind and loyal of people. Whenever I think of the words “dear friend” several names come to my mind, I have been richly blessed with good people in my life. One in particular; has been able to reach me even when I was unreachable! Lost, wondering in darkness, stumbling and weary someone entered into my life, a brilliant beacon pointing the way. Like an Angel, constant and sure she has been there despite my pushing her away for years. I am astounded and touched that someone would be unchanging as she has been in her love and care for me, especially because we are not related.

            So there in the doorway stood my dearest friend and one of her daughters. Holding back tears in my eyes because of the battle I was in to push past my Troll (Pure-O), frozen where I stood I changed the direction of the thoughts I was having; toward, walking out of darkness and loneliness; to taking one step at a time into light and freedom. So timidly, I began to move one foot in front of the other, pained by such overwhelming feelings of anxiety for even someone I love.  With each step the thunderous voice of the Troll (Pure-O) was heard, unrelenting and vicious were the intrusive thoughts used to flood my mind; in attempt to overpower my own thoughts. True to my promise I made to myself I pushed past Pure-O, my Troll. The conversation I had with my dear friend was lovely as usual, she shared with me something’s that were going on in her life, she asked me about mine, listened, and offered support, leaving with a hug for me and saying “I love you.”

            Our conversation was fairly brief, about 20 minutes. Yet, this one experience was so much more to me. It was not simple or easy for me to push past Pure-O, to push past the shame and the guilt I was feeling. Pure-O consumes all things good; it deprives you of feeling joy, happiness, excitement and enthusiasm. It takes away confidence, your freedom, it can consume your life; leaving you desolate and totally alone. It bombards your mind with intrusive, unwanted thoughts and images relinquishing you to severe distress and peril. It is difficult, and at times; impossible, to see past Pure-O, even the irrational and most bizarre thoughts of Pure-O, can feel like they have significant meaning. To further complicate things, even when you are able to see past Pure-O that does not mean that the affects, the compulsions and cycle of Pure-O cease. These things and many other symptoms and aspects of Pure- O, pave the way for pushing away even a dear friend. A friend who has been brave enough to keep knocking on my closed door year after year. Talking with my dear friend and her daughter was a wonderful experience. Pushing past my Troll, Pure –O, opened the door for a little more light to come in, taking a little more power away from the Troll and the hold it has on me.

The past several weeks have been trying for me, I have kept myself in the house for three weeks straight. Throughout different periods of my life I have gone much longer never stepping one step outside. My husband and children have enjoyed themselves and have gone many places together and with friends. I have had not been able to step outside until a few days ago. I forced myself to be brave and leave the comfort of my home; we went for a drive and took the kids to a park. I surprised myself and ignored the anxiety best I could, I ran around chasing my children! Normally I would sit on a bench, to exhausted to play or do anything but sit. I was still too tired and exhausted; yet, this time I mustard the energy and strength anyway. Out on the open field of grass, spending time with my family on a childhood playground; one that brought fond memories to my mind; was a positive release for me. It was invigorating to actually run as hard as I could to chase my delightful children up and down, the hills and across the field. Every time Pure-O, that horrid Troll wanted to rob me of this positive experience, I was able to think of myself at this very same park as a child, free from Pure-O. I thought of my Grandparents gate just a few feet away, they are no longer living there but it felt like I could open that gate and find myself more than 20 years in the past; walk up to the house, open the door and there would be my loving Grandparents and Mother, lively and well.

Overall, the past few days has been good for me, because of going to the park with my family and actually being there with them, not totally lost inside my head. And because my dear friend came to visit me and I was able to push past the Troll and talk with her. I know what you may be thinking… “Pure-O does not sound all that complicated or difficult to me, you really can just get over it, and ‘push past it’ just do it anyway”. Sometimes being able to push past it and doing it anyway is what I am able to do for a BRIEF time. I have hope that one day with a lot of hard work and effort, I will be able to push past Pure-O all the time. Something that many people do not know is; pushing past Pure-O is not just a happy ending, it is the beginning. Pure-O is there always!  Pushing past Pure-O, does not mean the Troll has left the building, for me the Troll becomes a less noisy and intimidating Troll; for a small moment, but still as volatile as ever! Out of nowhere Pure-O ramped and wild can be triggered, making it impossible to continue to do what I am doing; no matter how much I want  to do whatever it is I am doing and no matter how important it is; or who it involves.

Because Pure-O is ALWAYS there, you never have a moment of peace, more like a glimmer or glimpse of peace on occasion. For instance, there was anxiety before my dear friend came for a visit; moments before she came I was eating dinner with my husband and children. For no reason at all; I battle sitting down to eat dinner with my own family because of the symptoms of Pure-O.  Then an increase of anxiety came because someone was at the door, I ran I hid; which in turn, brought further anxiety, guilt and shame, along with racing intrusive thoughts. Next came combating Pure-O so that I could talk with my friend. Pushing past Pure-O and talking with my friend does not make Pure-O go away! Every word, every second that Machiavellian Troll is there trying to bring me to my demise. After talking with my friend I feel good for a moment, I feel pleased with myself for overcoming Pure-O for this one conversation. Then the beasty side wind of the Troll comes in at full force. Dissecting and analyzing every word that I spoke to my friend.  That relentless Troll brings with perfect clarity every detail of that one conversation, what I did, what I said; what I should have done, what I should not have done. On and on these intrusive thoughts and images pass through my mind, an endless sea of words that have nothing pleasant to say and never an encouraging thought! That insulting Troll takes every good feeling, every good thing of even the smallest moment and turns it into something ugly. Leaving nothing left but devastation. Making next time “pushing past” Pure-O that much harder!

It does not matter who it is, how wonderful and kind someone is, what good things you do, that ghastly Troll (Pure-O) robs you everything decent and good. You can do nothing right! Pure-O has you believing you are worthless, and every deceitful and horrid thing there can possibly be; is what you are made of and give to everyone.

There is much more to say and understand here, this is but a peek into the life of someone who struggles with Pure-O. I have only begun to chip away at exposing the true nature of Pure-O and what it is like to live daily with it. This is but a glimpse in How you can be surrounded by people, even loving and kind people who want to support you and help you; yet, remain totally alone. This post will be continued, please continue to come on this Journey Up with me. It is not easy for me to walk along this Journey and share it with anyone who will listen, notwithstanding I am honored and glad that you are here with me. Please comment, I look forward to hearing your voice.

Pure-O Does Not Define Me

 

            For a moment it is still, the grumble of the Troll (Pure-O) is but a faint murmur. Far away in the remote, well-guarded enclave of her heart; she is overcome with enduring sadness. Weighed down by the undertaking of overcoming her nemesis the Troll; she fears she will ever be seen as someone who is damaged and diseased. Eager, to find a way to be free of the cage she abhors and confines herself to. Engulfed by torment considering the paradox; longing to be an endearing friend to rely on; yet, rendering it impossible to be a real friend to anyone. Desperate to break out of the chains that bind her and keep her hidden to all those around her. She finds herself in a labyrinth crafted by the shrewd Troll (Pure-O), at every turn she does not prevail, abruptly facing a dead end. Lost and bewildered she does not know what to do, how to find her way out. Pleading for relief, she hopes for a beacon to show her the way; something, anything that can help her develop the ability to let people in.

            Once I was told, “You need to stop trying to be a penguin who thinks she can fly.”This in reference to trying to control and suppress unwanted and intrusive thoughts; after all, seeing that these thoughts are the cause for keeping the door closed to everyone; naturally you would do everything in your power to ensure that you never have an intrusive thought again, bringing an end to them entirely! Therefore, by trying to control my thoughts is comparable to a penguin flapping its wings hoping to fly, simply because flapping wings brings about flying for other birds. We all know that a penguin is never going to be able to fly; a penguin was not made to fly. Just as our brains are not designed to ignore conditions we perceive as threatening. Whenever faced with a threatening situation we automatically come up solutions to survive, and do everything in our power to guarantee it. This type of response works for protecting yourself from danger; however, it does not work for intrusive thoughts; like a penguin who is obsessed with flying.

            After hearing this analogy, I was able to see that what I am doing is not working and it will never work. The simple fact of the matter is; intrusive thoughts are going to come, no matter what I do to try to stop them from coming. So what can I do? Learn to be less afraid of the thoughts that come and work to correct the nature, value and importance of them toward whatever I may be vulnerable to. Sounds simple enough, until you are faced with something you are terrified of. To me it feels like someone telling me, to walk into a lion’s den full of hungry lions; and then saying everything will be fine. Knowing full well that the threat I feel is not something tangible, like fighting off a lion; notwithstanding, they are threats that come head to head with perceived peril to my well being. These perceived threats cannot walk up and bite me, but they do actually threaten me mentally and cause harm to my emotional and physical well-being.

             On my current path, I am at a complete impasse. I cannot continue to avoid situations that will cause intrusive thoughts, which in turn bring about obsessions; obsessions, in my case being endless distressing intrusive thoughts and images.Then of course all those thoughts coming from the Troll (pure-O) combined with the urgent impulse to neutralize or get rid of those thoughts; bring about crippling anxiety, or as I like to call them "hidden routines" known as compulsions. The cycle  can do no more than continue. It is all quite exasperating! I know that it may seem that I have a cool head about all of this, when immediately upon coming face to face with my Troll (Pure-O) and all of its debilitating symptoms; the ability to stay calm and think clearly in a difficult situation, fly out the window; it feels impossible to do anything other than neutralize those thoughts and do everything possible to prevent them from  ever coming again.

             With having but an inkling of how to overcome the Troll “(Pure-O), is disheartening and exhausting! To some it may appear that I have all the answers I need; to defeat whatever it is holding me back. After all “isn’t having the desire or obligation to let people in, to open the door enough? Shouldn’t knowing that Pure-O is not rational and logical, be enough to get over the obstacles that you struggle with?” I can understand these thoughts and feelings, I can see how they can make sense. I can understand how some people would ask “At the end of the day, how can you say that you care or love anyone? How can you claim that you want to spend time with us, be around us when you never take the opportunity to do so? How can you allow your problems, your illness to get in the way? If you really wanted to be here you would be here!” I can understand why those who do not suffer from Pure-O or another form of mental illness; have a difficult time understanding “why?”  I can understand how it might be difficult to be there for someone who is struggling with mental illness, when nothing makes sense, and their behavior may not say that they care; or what you do does not seem to make any difference anyway.

            Speaking for myself, knowing these things make the torment grow exceedingly. Knowing that my inability to let people in; hurts the people I love most and all those around me, causes deep anguish throughout every part of my being. Pushing people away is the complete opposite of what I want to do. Just as it does not make sense to everyone else; it makes less sense to me. I do not understand why more times than not Pure-O wins, why it feels impossible for me to face the Troll (Pure-O) when in the moment, when it is vital to see past the deceit or the shame. I do not understand why I can’t seem to have the endurance, to take the threat head on; to face the anxiety. Instead I hide; caged and locked away, alone leaving devastation… nobody wins.

            For most of my life I did not realize I was pushing people away, I did not understand why I felt the way I did. Why, certain situations, people and circumstances brought out paralyzing thoughts and emotions. Looking back I can see that I have spent my life in the vicious cycle of Pure-O.  Now that I know what is wrong, and have begun a Journey to discover how I can overcome my Troll (Pure-O). I am empowered with the knowledge that Pure-O does not define me; Pure-O does not make me who I am. Right now I am struggling dreadfully, and I do not have the answers; on how I can face the threats that my Troll throws at me, and come out successful. Just as someone who sets out to obtain snake venom; begins with basic knowledge, first catch the snake, then get venom. Having so little information is not going to result in successfully collecting venom! There are several steps and procedures to learn before success, overcoming fear of a snake bite might be a long process in of itself.

            The more that I dig into Pure-O, learning my symptoms, how I respond and react to Pure-O; I am continually confounded by how complex and entangled, the affects of the Troll are in every aspect of my life. So how does the Troll (Pure-O) not define me? Pure-O is NOT ME; I would truly be ruthless if Pure-O and its intrusive thoughts were something that I choose. Pure-O, My Troll; has become enormous and the elephant in the room. It is human nature to run away from, to ignore what we do not understand. Unfortunately, my Troll has grown to be the size that it is; simply because I had no idea what was wrong. How can you treat or do anything about a problem if you do not know what the problem is? So many of my behaviors and habits have been something I have done my whole life, I am still uncovering them and learning to undo them. In essence, I am learning to teach my Troll, new tricks. So that there will no longer be an elephant in the room and I can manage Pure-O, heal and become well.

            Behind that hideous Troll, is me. I may be bombarded day in and day out with unwanted an intrusive thoughts. Be that as it may, I am still here. I am able to think for myself, I am able to think rationally, see the thoughts of the Troll for what they really are. The things I do not know are; how to overcome the Troll (Pure-O) despite knowing these things. I do not know what to do to overcome the symptoms of Pure-O. I am hopeful that there is a way up and out. Pure-O may always be a part of my life, something I will have to manage and keep under control each day that I live. Notwithstanding, I am convinced that it is NOT something I have to struggle with, that it is NOT something that will keep me caged, miserable, numb and alone. I am not there yet, not even close! But this is the story of the Journey Up.

            I see sparkles of light with each step that I take in the right direction. With each step I take along this Journey Up I find hope, I feel encouragement and I see the way up. Each step I take; brings to light what I have been fighting so hard to keep hidden. For so long I thought that exposing my Mental Illness would be the end of me, that I would be nothing more than a disease, cast away. Now that my Troll- Pure-O has nowhere to hide, I feel its chains losing their grip. By refusing to hid, to be ashamed; I have learned that truly what I am exposing is Pure-O, not me. For so long, I have been taking the Trolls identity as my own, now that he is out in the open; I can see that I am totally separate from the Troll (Pure-O), and that is a very encouraging thought!

            Daily, I battle and the struggle is still ever present and great. I have times where I want to give into the flood gates of despair. Days, weeks and even months where I feel too feeble and weary to even try. Often I feel lost, defeated and lonely; then I see a glimmer of light; a tiny, glimmer; that is all that is needed to hold fast to HOPE.  There is beauty everywhere if we are willing to see it. I know all too well what it feels like to be trapped in darkness and numb to the beauty, joy and happiness that is around you. I promise you in these darkest of times if all you can do is believe that there is beauty; something will sparkle and you will be able to see that light, and then there will be hope. Keep, trying, don’t give up, there are better days to come.

            Dear Reader, I am glad to have you along this Journey Up with me. I invite you to comment, to share your stories your strugglers your triumph, no matter how large or small they may be. As always, I look forward to hearing your voice.

Hidden Routines

            Searching for peace she locks the door behind her, slowly she drops to the floor, arms clasped around her legs; resting her forehead upon her knees. Eyes sealed, immense tears stream down her face; in anguish she pleads “I draw myself apart; despite my best efforts, only a faint resistance can be measured against the Troll (Pure-O). How long must I languish? Every day I wake; feeble from lack of sleep, downhearted from constant decry, disparagingly having me believe my very existence is faulty. Hour by hour; I fight against temptation to wane in my efforts to overcome my nemesis Pure-O. Minute by minute; I battle, with no end in sight and without relief. What more can I do? I just want to be me.”

            Desperately, she clings to hope. Hope for a way to receive the help that she needs, hope for those closest to her to understand and love her just as she is, hope for better days to come; free at long last, to be herself despite Pure-O being a part of her.

            Never before have I felt so vulnerable; I am apprehensive, the details of my illness, of the thoughts and behaviors I have; bring to light what I have been wrestling to keep hidden. What I write here are my inner-most thoughts and feelings. Much of what I write is raw, unearthing exceedingly painful experiences and emotions. It is difficult for me to dig deep into the roots of Pure-O and my personal struggle with it. I share all this with you, with anyone who will listen because I do not want the Troll (Pure-O) to have anywhere to hide. The truth of the matter is; it is not me I am exposing it is the Troll! The Troll would have me; have all of us believing that it is me. It is not easy for me to get past all the fears and shame that I feel, even though I know that I should not be afraid or be ashamed. Despite great difficulty I press on; because without a doubt I know if my Troll (Pure-O) has nowhere to hide, then in time he will no longer have the power he has over me right now. The intrusive thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O) are not me; these thoughts do not define me.

            Melancholy, forlorn and extreme foreboding anyone and anything; may be what many would think I feel toward everyone, even toward life for that matter. A gloomy state of mind is to be expected when prolonged depression; and ever present crippling anxiety is a fact of life day in and day out. I would be lying if I said I did not feel dreary, miserable and pensive most of the time. Be that as it may, my heart is set on looking for and finding the beautiful and positive things that surround me in my life. Pure-O bereaves me of being able to feel the joy and happiness I do have in my life. Remember when I said that in order to understand Pure-O, to be able to understand me; we would first have to dredge through the dreary and desolate trenches of the Troll? These ugly words describe those trenches and what it is like to constantly have a wild and untamed Troll inside your mind.

            Providing a vivid picture, of Pure-O layer by layer with each post of this blog; is not to have you feel sorry for me. I do not feel sorry for myself because I know my suffering is small compared to many; I also, understand that we each have our own strengths and weaknesses, what is extremely difficult for one, may not be difficult for another. And so because it may appear that someone may not have suffered as much as another, does not make their suffering less valid or considerable. Each of us having known some form of mental anguish, I am sure that we can all imagine how bitter and excruciating prolonged and chronic suffering can become.

            “Silent sufferer’s” is one of the many ways to describe Pure-O. Speaking for myself I suffered in silence for 21 years; simply because I did not know anything was wrong, the way my mind works and the thoughts that come was all that I knew, I had no way of knowing it was not normal. Making it even harder to see that what I was going through was detrimental to my health and happiness; so many of my symptoms are internal, cognitive in nature. Clearly, you can see how unimaginable it is for anyone to be aware of just how much suffering there really is.

            Nearly all of my symptoms I have been aware of for little more than a year, some as scant as months, even days; I am sure there is still an abundance of symptoms and behaviors that are a consequence of Pure-O, that I have yet to discover. This is another troublesome dynamic of Pure-O, being as it is heavy-laden with what is known as “Hidden Rituals”. Is it just me? or are the names given to describe Pure-O ghastly? The name ritual has me feeling like I am part of some outrageous cult; I find it fitting to instead call them “Hidden Routines”.

            They are “Hidden” because predominately these “rituals” are mental routines or mental compulsions rather than behavioral compulsions such as checking and washing. I like to describe OCD as Obsessive= need for assurance and Compulsive= imperative need for relief. I use the word “imperative” because in spite of knowing that the thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O) are not likely or impossible does not change the need for relief. So in attempt to relieve the distressing thoughts and anxiety mental routines are preformed.   

            Personally I struggle with many different mental routines such as, Memory Checking. This involves recapturing a memory in my mind and mentally checking, examining and sometimes analyze what happened, what exactly it was that I said and did. Searching for answers to determine if I handled the situation properly, if I said the right thing, if I did what I did for the right reason, was my behavior correct and proper. Constantly asking myself if I caused a problem, looking for reassurance that I did not do anything wrong; or searching for what I did do wrong, so that I can fix the problem. A domineers obsession of mine is Responsibility, when I feel that I have not lived up to my duties and responsibilities; this triggers mentally checking; memories to see what I have done wrong and if what I did do was right. This type of mental checking is to figure out why I am having a certain thought.

            One of the many complications with Pure-O is the constant need for certainty, so that doubt can be eliminated; doubt, leads me to repeat behaviors. By seeking assurance; such as trying to neutralize negatives thoughts with positive thoughts, will counteract all the negative thoughts; though I know this is not rational. While nagging repetitive thoughts from the Troll (Pure-O); bombard me; I start to repeat in my mind positive thoughts, good things that I do over and over. Getting stuck in an OCD doubt and reassurance loop can go on for days. Another mental compulsion of mine is to avoid certain situations, activities and people so that an obsession will not be triggered. Truly I detest the word obsession, it sounds creepy and odd to me, and perhaps this is the stigma we have toward obsessions. The obsessions I have are not by choice and they bring absolutely no enjoyment. My obsessions are completely intrusive, horrifying and distressing, which is why I do everything in my power to avoid having them.

            Other “hidden rituals” I have are… trying to figure out what type of person I am, over-analyzing my behavior, reassuring myself because of the intrusive thoughts that come, repeatedly asking for forgiveness feeling like I am a bad person; repeating thoughts, words or phrases in my head. Like a detective I am still uncovering my hidden routines. The more I learn about Pure-O and the personal struggle I have with it; I am able to recognize just how unmanageable my life has become; and how deeply the symptoms of Pure-O dictate what I do and say. Right now I am like a prisoner, my mind held captive; a confinement that is brutal and intolerable. The puzzle of Pure-O is exasperating!  I find myself shutdown as soon as I reach an uncharted corner of Pure-O.

            Living with Pure-O is painful through and through, it may be difficult for some to believe; however, it is torturous and indeed causes immense suffering. It is not easy for me to say such things; I do not like to be thought of as playing a victim card. In no way do I surrender to excuses or being helpless. Which is why I am here, writing what I am, I am willing to go where I don’t want to go in order to overcome the terrible Troll (Pure-O). 

            Still in the beginning of my Journey Up, daily I battle and have feeble knees. Often I do not know what to do; and feel overwhelmed by the agony and turmoil of the Troll that besets me. I will continue to write, to uncover the awful Troll (Pure-O). I will continue to seek help and treatment, fighting with all my might to overcome Pure-O. I am grateful; you, dear reader are here with me, knowing that I am not alone helps and gives great encouragement! As always I encourage you to let your voice be heard, wither you suffer from mental illness or not. You have something valuable to add that can make all the difference in my life or someone who is reading this blog just as you are. I invite you to leave a comment and look forward to hearing your voice.

Crippling Anxiety

            “I wanted to go, I told them I would be there, and I even felt excited about it! I promised myself this time would be different; but it’s not. I don’t feel like I can do it. How can I not show up? Ug! Why do I always feel this way? They are my dearest friends, I enjoy being around them, they want me there. Why, do I always find myself wrestling with an invisible enemy, one that I have no idea how to combat? Why is it such a struggle for me? When will it stop? I just want it to stop! It is all too overwhelming; maybe next time I can go.”

            Each day, writing this blog I find myself head to head with the uncharted chasm; of my inner most feelings and emotions affiliated with my illness, Primarily Obessional OCD (Pure-O). Illness: what an intense word. I quarrel daily with the complexities of the symptoms and subsequent affects they have on my mind, body and soul. It is no wonder that they clash with every relationship that I have?

            Overwhelming anxiety and intrusive thoughts keep me from the people I love most. It does not make sense to me, less so for everyone else. Each day I shutter when I hear the door bell ring, it is not that I do not want people to visit; in fact the opposite is true. It is quite the conflict and oxymoron; to long for people to pay you a visit, only to hide and keep the door shut when someone does come, to push them away. When the phone rings, a pit in my stomach manifests itself, anxiety on top of anxiety with each ring; as I think to myself “will I be able to pick it up this time?” It may come as a shock to you, I struggle most; when the person trying to reach me is a family member or a friend. The odd thing about it is, I want to talk to them, I am even happy that they thought of me and took the time to call, so why the dilemma?

            This is where my deceitful; slippery nemesis; the Troll (Pure-O) comes in. He takes that gnarly ball of anxiety and uses it to his advantage. Crushing anxiety; combined with devastating unwanted and intrusive thoughts; is a lethal weapon! How artfully deceptive the Troll is. He knows how to get under my skin; bringing to my mind, the most tender and vital aspects of my life; to the forefront of my mind. Cleverly, he concocts his formula, a mantra sublime; causing doubt, humiliation and extreme distress . Once in his (Pure-O) clutches, I cower, I hide; no longer confident. Overwhelming feelings of being; a bad person or that I might cause, or have been causing harm to all around me, take precedent. Feelings of no longer being worthy wash over me, leaving me alone and caged.  

            By now, I bet you are wondering why I speak of the Troll like he is a person, a living thing. It took me a while to wrap my mind around; what Pure-O really is. After being diagnosed with Pure-O- OCD and working with a therapist, I was able to discover that there was another voice inside my head… the hard part was understanding that; this voice I was hearing, the one that sounded just like me, the voice inside MY head,  yeah, that voice; was not me. Okay if you are anything like me, your thoughts might be “Say what? Not me? So what you are telling me is; I really am crazy?” Would you believe me when I say “I am not crazy?” Maybe it will take some convincing.

            Everyone has thoughts that seem to come from nowhere, that may even cause some alarm and stress. But soon as they realize how bizarre, or unrealistic they are; they are able to brush them off never giving it a second thought. Oh, that sounds wonderful to me, to have a troublesome thought and be able to let fly off your back; or set it aside to resolve it later. That is a goal I am working toward, what comes so much more natural to everyone else, is basically impossible for me. Please dont get me wrong here, I am able to forgive, I don’t hold grudges against people and such things. And when I say impossible for me, I mean impossible for me in the present, because I do not have my OCD under control yet.

            Back to that other voice in my head. How is a voice in my head not me? Well, I cannot give you the science behind that; but I can offer you my experience. Imagine a voice in your head that takes literally no thought of your own. It is like a commentary is stuck; on the television and that television is in your head. When I am the most exhausted; I can be laying there and that voice has all the energy in the world, on and on, I can’t turn it off; too weary to do anything about it.

            Some people may be thinking that this Troll sounds like the devil, maybe I am possessed? Nope, not possessed here, I believe if I were possessed than I, who I am; could not be here at all. I wouldn’t be able to write this blog, feel Gods love and guidance in my life and have hope. I am a firm believer that light and dark cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So, this other voice in my head; the one I like to call a Troll, is something else; caused by a irregularity of the brain, known as Pure-O OCD.

            It is no picnic to have such a voice (Pure-O) stuck in your head. Even more problematic is trying to explain that voice and how it affects your life; to other people so that they may better understand. I am up to the challenge though, which is why I am here; letting you in, allowing you to be a part of some of the most intimate details of my life.

             No doubt, we can all relate to having felt similar emotions; at some time in our lives we each have had to confront crippling anxiety when faced with the unknown. Each of us has lost a battle or two with anxiety having succumbed to its immobilizing power. My hope is for those who suffer like I do; will feel comforted that they are not alone and there is hope, a way up. To those who do not suffer from mental illness; my hope is you can come away with a better understanding of those who suffer a more painful experience with anxiety. There is always more to a story than meets the eye.

            Come; continue on this journey with me. I invite  YOU to open a dialogue, an opportunity to be heard. No matter where you are in your own personal journey, wither you have a mental illness or not. Each of us can contribute something, making this Journey Up, more enriching.  I am looking forward to hearing your voice.

With Love,

Hope