Almost always, whenever someone asks me, “how are you?” I
will reply automatically, “good” with what I think is a smile on my face, I don’t
know? I am always full of anxiety, doubt, fear and panic, I think my face gets
confused between an expression of, joy, calm and pleasant… and, freaked out,
horror and consternation (I know that last one sounds like something else, I
really am trying not to offend). All joking aside, why is it that we feel the
need to wear a mask? We say everything is “FINE”, act like everything is “GOOD”;
we have everyone around us fooled into believing we are “WELL”, when we are not.
And if you are anything like me, “WELL” must mean you fell off the face of the
Earth, because you are nowhere to be found.
I have
become really good at convincing myself that I really am, “good, fine and dandy”
because after all, if someone is close enough to be asking me “how are you?” Than
I am really doing “well”. I rarely answer my phone, so a question like this
almost always means, I made it out of my safe place, my cave, known as my
bedroom! Therefore, I do not feel that answering the question “how are you?”
with “I’m good” it is a lie; because in that moment, I have done something
really great! In that moment I am facing
my greatest fears, and I know all too well for me to actually be standing next
to someone other than my husband and my children, means I have gone through a
million steps; a process I probably backed out of several times, rescheduled,
lost sleep over, had panic attacks, doubted and utterly terrified out of my
mind over… you get the picture! What may seem small to most people, is anything
but small to me, it takes great effort for me to do just about anything!
It has
taken me nearly my entire life, to finally begin to celebrate my victories,
those seemingly small things actually are a great success! I have found that
when I acknowledge my victories, even if that victory is as "small" as getting
dressed for the day, or resisting my rituals and compulsions for even a minute,
those “small things” really are success, something worthy of celebration! By acknowledging
that I did something good, something that was really hard for me, it takes back
power my illness has over me, helping to build confidence that I can do it
again, that maybe next time I will be able to reach just a little further. And
you know what? It works!!!
Which
brings me to my topic today… Running for the Exit! As I mentioned in my last *post,
I will be beginning treatment with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
therapy for the first time. In case any of you are worried this is an announcement
of cancelling and backing out of treatment, be rest assured I am committed to
becoming well and doing whatever it takes to do so, there will be no backing
out. Not for a lack of wanting to though! I owe NOT backing out of treatment to everyone who
supports me with my Journey Up, so if you are reading this, that means YOU!
Though I do not like to admit it, I am really, really good at putting things
off for another day, especially if that something has to do with facing my Troll
(pure-O, OCD). I know it doesn’t help and it makes my fears and my nemesis the
Troll grow stronger; yet, the small amount of relief that comes from hiding and
avoiding anything and everything that triggers my Obsessions (Intrusive
Thoughts) and preforming my *Hidden Routines (Compulsions) is a powerful
motivator to continue to hide, to avoid and perform my rituals “just one last
time” (it never is just one time, it’s more like a 1000 times and that still
will never be enough!) So why do I or anyone who has OCD keep doing these
things even when we know it will not help? The answer in a nutshell, is because
there is always just enough doubt and an incredible amount of fear that has us
believing something terrible will happen “if I don’t” and it will be “my fault”.
I hide and avoid Obsessions (intrusive thoughts) because I do not want to
perform Compulsions over and over and over again because of the intrusive
thoughts, which only bring about more Intrusive Thoughts and more Compulsions,
the cycle grows round and round.
Needless
to say, I am freaking out about beginning therapy! Deep down I know it is the
right thing to do, and is the way for me to at last learn how to be free of the
torment I suffer each day. Notwithstanding, ever since I made that call to a specialist
to receive therapy, and I actually followed through with my appointment, and
even scheduled several more appointments; for an intensive treatment program.
It is like my Troll (pure-o, OCD) can sense its impending demise. So of course,
that devil-may-care Troll with its malicious swagger, attempts, with full force
to bereave me of all hope and courage to press on. I am so full of anxiety and
racing Intrusive Thoughts, to the point that I can barely function! Huge parts
of my days if not the entire day, I am completely debilitated! Life for me has
been put on hold, it is all that I can do to survive and do my best to remain
positive and stay on track to receiving treatment. I seriously want to call the
therapist I will be working with and cancel! Even though I do not want to cancel
and I desperately want help, I know I am in need of serious help! The only
reason why canceling is so appealing is because it feels like the only way to
make the anxiety, panic, and horrible Intrusive Thoughts I am having STOP!
Running for the Exit and crawling back into a hole can actually sound pretty
good, most of the time.
But,
this is the story of the Journey UP, it is my story with all the good, the grotesque,
and the ups and downs that come with having OCD. So my aim with this post, with
my blog is to encourage and to hopefully bring about understanding and awareness,
and maybe, just maybe inspire someone who suffers like I do. In my case, what
has been incredibly helpful in staying the course and not running for the exit
like I usually do. Has been reaching out to others and letting them know what I
face, letting them know the whole truth, no matter how ugly it is. It has also
been incredibly helpful for me to reach out and make friends with people who
are struggling with similar things that I do. It is extremely encouraging to
know that I am not alone, that there are many people who think and feel very
much the same way as I do, if not the exact same way. It is empowering to watch
other people in their Journey, to see them doing extremely difficult things,
facing horrific fears head on. Through watching them, seeing their struggle and
pain through their eyes, I can’t help but think, “If they can do it, then so
can I!” I cannot stress enough the importance of reaching out, it is scary and
you have potential to be burned. I can testify, that even if you have been
burned after sharing your suffering with another (and I have many times been
burned) if you will be willing to pick yourself up, brush the dust off and try
again, you will find the support that you stand in need of.
Knowing
myself very well and the pattern of behavior that I have when it comes to
avoiding triggers for my Obsessions (intrusive thoughts) and Compulsions. I knew
that I need to find a way to hold myself accountable. For me, it has been this
blog and letting those close to me as well as friends I have made who suffer
like I do, know about my plans for treatment. Telling them when I have scheduled
appointments and where I am at with my OCD right now, keeps me on the path to
finding wellness. By doing these things, opens doors for understanding, compassion,
empathy, and information that I would not have found on my own. Without a doubt,
knowing myself, I would have already cancelled my appointment for treatment, if
I had kept my plans for treatment and how I am doing a secret. What is working for me, may not be
for you. And that is okay, it is finding what is going to work for you.
Sharing
my story with the World, anyone who cares to listen, is not easy. But I am
happy to do it. It helps keep me on track and has potential to help someone
else, which is incredibly rewarding! Thank you dear reader, for coming on the Journey
with me. I know I sound like a broken record when I say that. It is with
immense gratitude that I say it again and again, because I know that you do not
have to spend some time here with me, and there are countless things that you
could be doing instead. You being here and coming back speaks volumes about who
you are and I am grateful for your choice to be here. You help to lift and inspire
me. You are sparkles of light!
Come,
continue this Journey Up with me. I welcome comments, share your stories of
struggle and triumph, I know and understand how difficult it can be to share
these experiences, I gladly welcome anonymous comments if you would rather not
have anyone know who you are, including me. (In the comments box click on “share
as”, then click “anonymous”) I welcome questions and am happy to answer them. Please continue this Journey with me subscribe/follow by e-mail, I am glad you are here with me!
