Beginning Treatment

          Last week was a huge step for me! I followed through with my appointment for an Diagnostic Assessment for an; Intensive Treatment Program, offered from an OCD treatment center. Keeping my appointment was anything but child’s play; my anxiety level skyrocketed, leaving a diabolical mess within myself. To give a little back story, it has taken me more than 10 long months to muster the courage to make this particular phone call! Sounds pathetic I know. To understand why a call for help can be remarkably difficult, you need to understand OCD’s doubting. Keeping in mind that there are abounding reasons and varying circumstances depending on each individual, there is no recipe to understanding mental illness. Notwithstanding, understanding someone else is something you can achieve; if you are willing to look beyond what you know.

          Having OCD you are plagued with constant reoccurring doubt. Because there is insurmountable doubt, there is the need to seek certainty. It is this need for certainty and need to eliminate doubt that leads many people with OCD to perform repetitive behaviors, known as rituals; these type of rituals are known as reassurance seeking rituals. You can find more information on this here.

In my case, having Pure-O OCD, my compulsions or rituals are almost always cognitive. For example, my experience with making a phone call to a therapist brought out thoughts like… What if I am a fraud? What if I seek help, only to find out that I have made everything up? Then came thoughts that were horrifying… If the truth is I am a fraud; that would mean that all the intrusive thoughts that I have, are true and those thoughts are who I really am, and that makes me the worst kind of person! An overwhelming list of intrusive thoughts came flooding into my mind. My attempt to reassure and make certain that I am not a fraud, was to bring into my mind every situation that I could think of where I had intrusive thoughts. That is devastating, I have countless intrusive thoughts each and every day, which cause me agonizing distress! With each thought and situation I brought into my mind a crystal clear picture, checking and rechecking and checking again every detail to make sure that what I thought, what I said, and what I did was honest, checking over and over again, to see if I am a fraud. This paints a glimpse into how challenging it can be to take mental illness head on and ask for help. Often it can feel like treatment is the opposite of help!

An inability to tolerate doubt can be mortifying! Leaving you stuck in a moral dilemma accompanied by hopelessness. For me, not only are the debilitating symptoms of OCD there, but also moral crisis about my very existence and my own nature! It is because of this I often feel guilty, confused and alone. Like pouring lemon juice on a wound, is knowing that certainty is a mirage, we don’t live in a world where all traces of doubt can be eliminated, it’s just not possible. Yet, that does not stop me from seeking reassurance and looking for that allusive certainty I feel compelled to find, this causes great pain in of itself, it’s maddening!

One of the most painful things for me is knowing that rituals never provide lasting relief or a solution; nonetheless, I often preform rituals because they can be helpful for reducing doubt in the moment. The fact of the matter is doubt will inescapably rebound, rituals will become less effective for diminishing anxiety over time, and the symptoms of ODC will inevitably grow! My advice to anyone who struggles with OCD or any mental illness is… You do not have to wait until you are drowning to get help, things will not get better by itself, there is a way up and you are not alone.

Which brings me back to the phone call that was terrifying for me. This phone call was such an incredible challenge for me because of my illness, knowing that the doubt I feel is OCD and not me; does not open the door to simply being able to make a call to receive help. Struggling to make that call was not about not wanting help, I desperately want help, I know I need help! For me, and I am sure it is much the same way for  many other people, doing what it takes to accept help is a process. And that process varies from person to person. What works for me, does not mean it will work for you or someone else you may know, it also does not mean that it will not.

 The puzzle to overcoming my personal struggle with OCD- Pure-O, Anxieties and Depression has come bit by bit, piece by piece; I am still a long way from seeing the full picture, and I have a long road ahead of me before becoming my own hero; however, I am beginning to see the pieces fit together, which is extremely encouraging! Often vital pieces of my puzzle have come from unexpected places. Almost always in my case, key components have come from…

1.   Being willing to explore new ideas, and things that I may not feel comfortable or okay with at first.

2.   Accepting that I cannot do it alone and I am not okay

3.   Facing my fears

4.   Positive support from people who are an active part in my life.

         None of the above is simple or easy for any of us, mental illness or not. That being said, it is still necessary for recovery and wellness; it is the doorway leading to freedom. It took me more than a year after falling flat on my back, I am drowning, completely debilitated; before I was willing to accept new ideas and try things I felt were out of the question. Another obstacle I had to overcome in order to find and receive help was to reach out, let people in; because there is no way to do it alone (believe me I have tried, failing miserably!) I had to learn to, allow those who care about me, know about my terrible battle, the struggle and suffering I face each day. And when I felt that no one cared, I had to be willing to reach out and find someone who would care, and an extra hard part was being willing to challenge my thinking and see that those who I thought did not care, actually do care. I wont lie, some people in my life, even vital people in my life, don't care. Of coarse that hurts and is hard to deal with, but I couldn't let those negative people, no matter who they are; stop me from climbing higher. I had to share my secret and what I fought so hard to keep hidden from everyone! I started small with someone I could trust, slowly I began to let other people in, those whom I felt would understand. Until, eventually I was able to come completely out of hiding. I began this blog and have surrendered to the truth… what I am exposing is OCD, not me; OCD-Pure-O does not define me! Of course writing a blog and telling the world and everyone you know is not necessary for recovery and overcoming mental illness, it is finding what is going to work for you personally.

I write this blog because through sharing my story and experiences, the good and the ugly. I have been able to see that we are not as alone as we think that we are. And many people who do not struggle with mental illness; want to understand and want to be supportive and help, but may not know how to. If I can help bring awareness, understanding and be support to someone who does struggle with mental illness of any kind, than my goals for this blog would have exceeded expectation. I write to serve you Dear Reader.

So here I stand at the beginning of a new chapter, beginning treatment. I will be traveling out of state, (because of a lack of specialists where I live) to receive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) from an OCD specialist. I will be sharing my experience with you, I will also be taking video logs of my Journey Up and posting them on this blog, the good, the bad and the ugly, the ups and downs, this truly will be a Journey you can take with me, and happy to have you here with me. You will be able to see into the life of someone struggling with and overcoming mental illness. Please subscribe by email to this blog and come along this Journey Up with me.

I encourage comments, though I know this is a painful subject, and not something easily shared with others, I completely understand. I gladly welcome ANNOYMOUS comments no matter who you are, though you do not have to comment anonymously if you do not want to.  Click on "Comment as", scroll down the options listed for sharing a comment, click on anonymous, that's it no one will be able to see who you are, not even me. Please share your thoughts, your opinions, your stories, struggles and triumph, an open dialog is welcome. I welcome questions and will be happy to answer them. I look forward to your comments. Thank you Dear Reader, for being here with me!