Surrounded by Many and Totally Alone

            Trapped within her, an onslaught of horrific, intrusive thoughts and images runs wild, on a rampage for weeks on end. Growing inside her is an ever-present need to escape the suffocating affects of living with a Troll; called Pure-O OCD, inside her mind. Troubled, trembling she wracks her mind for solutions; as to ease the distress and terrible anxiousness she is overcome with. Desperate for relief, she paces the floor; tears of agony stream down her cheeks as she searches for a name, someone she can talk to in the very hour of her great need. The day has just begun; her loving and supporting husband is away at work, unavailable to her. Parentless, without groundwork of extended family and friends, she finds herself isolated and alone.

            A few names come to her mind, those kind and endearing family and friends who have extended love and support to her. Distraught, she endeavors to build the strength to confined and rely on someone with, her uttermost grief and pain. Without fail she concludes; that she is too broken, a friend to none, too much of a burden that no one should have to endure and carry.

            Making a mighty resolve to try harder, to do better; she buries her distress, her pain in the deepest enclave of her heart. Wiping away the tears on her face, she holds her head high and puts a smile on her face. With intense focus she puts her hands to work, striving to make a positive difference, to do some good; longing for the day she will have become good enough to reach out to someone else, to be a true friend.

            Last night, someone came to my door, as the doorbell rang I bolted into another room saying “I am unavailable!” just as I have done for many years. My husband and children were home, they are always eager and willing to see who has come. I admire them for being enthusiastic and happy to open the door to the person(s) on the other side. For me, upon hearing the doorbell or knock on the door, terror and crippling anxiety reign and take over; and I fall back to my usual neutralize and avoidance techniques. Much to my shame and dismay my technique for the door is to run and hide, usually in my closet!

            As I stood in my closet, hiding, repeating over and over in my mind “next time I will do better, next time I will do better…” I heard a familiar voice, it was my dearest friend; who has seen me and my home at its worst again and again for numerous years. Still, I wrestled with anxiety and feelings of not being able to go see and talk with my friend. I was a mess, hair untamed, tired eyes; I don’t recall looking in the mirror that day until that very moment. I had crusted food on my cloths fallen from my babies afternoon snack, my socks did not even match, having been too exhausted to find a pair. My husband came into the room and asked me if I was willing to say hello? I nearly said, “I can’t”. Then I remembered a promise that I made to myself, to push past the Troll (Pure-O) when certain persons that I named; called or came to my door. I started small with the list of names, just three names; because I know all too well how the Troll (Pure-O) works when I try to take too much on. It was difficult to come up with a list, somewhere manageable for me to start; because I can fill a book with a list of names of people I want to be able to let in, people I should be able to let in.

            Being careful to ensure that the goal I was setting for myself was reasonable for me, I pondered a great deal about who I would promise to let in, no matter what! It sounds ridiculous I know. The grief I feel in this matter is beyond expression, I do not understand why I struggle immensely with letting in even the most kind and loyal of people. Whenever I think of the words “dear friend” several names come to my mind, I have been richly blessed with good people in my life. One in particular; has been able to reach me even when I was unreachable! Lost, wondering in darkness, stumbling and weary someone entered into my life, a brilliant beacon pointing the way. Like an Angel, constant and sure she has been there despite my pushing her away for years. I am astounded and touched that someone would be unchanging as she has been in her love and care for me, especially because we are not related.

            So there in the doorway stood my dearest friend and one of her daughters. Holding back tears in my eyes because of the battle I was in to push past my Troll (Pure-O), frozen where I stood I changed the direction of the thoughts I was having; toward, walking out of darkness and loneliness; to taking one step at a time into light and freedom. So timidly, I began to move one foot in front of the other, pained by such overwhelming feelings of anxiety for even someone I love.  With each step the thunderous voice of the Troll (Pure-O) was heard, unrelenting and vicious were the intrusive thoughts used to flood my mind; in attempt to overpower my own thoughts. True to my promise I made to myself I pushed past Pure-O, my Troll. The conversation I had with my dear friend was lovely as usual, she shared with me something’s that were going on in her life, she asked me about mine, listened, and offered support, leaving with a hug for me and saying “I love you.”

            Our conversation was fairly brief, about 20 minutes. Yet, this one experience was so much more to me. It was not simple or easy for me to push past Pure-O, to push past the shame and the guilt I was feeling. Pure-O consumes all things good; it deprives you of feeling joy, happiness, excitement and enthusiasm. It takes away confidence, your freedom, it can consume your life; leaving you desolate and totally alone. It bombards your mind with intrusive, unwanted thoughts and images relinquishing you to severe distress and peril. It is difficult, and at times; impossible, to see past Pure-O, even the irrational and most bizarre thoughts of Pure-O, can feel like they have significant meaning. To further complicate things, even when you are able to see past Pure-O that does not mean that the affects, the compulsions and cycle of Pure-O cease. These things and many other symptoms and aspects of Pure- O, pave the way for pushing away even a dear friend. A friend who has been brave enough to keep knocking on my closed door year after year. Talking with my dear friend and her daughter was a wonderful experience. Pushing past my Troll, Pure –O, opened the door for a little more light to come in, taking a little more power away from the Troll and the hold it has on me.

The past several weeks have been trying for me, I have kept myself in the house for three weeks straight. Throughout different periods of my life I have gone much longer never stepping one step outside. My husband and children have enjoyed themselves and have gone many places together and with friends. I have had not been able to step outside until a few days ago. I forced myself to be brave and leave the comfort of my home; we went for a drive and took the kids to a park. I surprised myself and ignored the anxiety best I could, I ran around chasing my children! Normally I would sit on a bench, to exhausted to play or do anything but sit. I was still too tired and exhausted; yet, this time I mustard the energy and strength anyway. Out on the open field of grass, spending time with my family on a childhood playground; one that brought fond memories to my mind; was a positive release for me. It was invigorating to actually run as hard as I could to chase my delightful children up and down, the hills and across the field. Every time Pure-O, that horrid Troll wanted to rob me of this positive experience, I was able to think of myself at this very same park as a child, free from Pure-O. I thought of my Grandparents gate just a few feet away, they are no longer living there but it felt like I could open that gate and find myself more than 20 years in the past; walk up to the house, open the door and there would be my loving Grandparents and Mother, lively and well.

Overall, the past few days has been good for me, because of going to the park with my family and actually being there with them, not totally lost inside my head. And because my dear friend came to visit me and I was able to push past the Troll and talk with her. I know what you may be thinking… “Pure-O does not sound all that complicated or difficult to me, you really can just get over it, and ‘push past it’ just do it anyway”. Sometimes being able to push past it and doing it anyway is what I am able to do for a BRIEF time. I have hope that one day with a lot of hard work and effort, I will be able to push past Pure-O all the time. Something that many people do not know is; pushing past Pure-O is not just a happy ending, it is the beginning. Pure-O is there always!  Pushing past Pure-O, does not mean the Troll has left the building, for me the Troll becomes a less noisy and intimidating Troll; for a small moment, but still as volatile as ever! Out of nowhere Pure-O ramped and wild can be triggered, making it impossible to continue to do what I am doing; no matter how much I want  to do whatever it is I am doing and no matter how important it is; or who it involves.

Because Pure-O is ALWAYS there, you never have a moment of peace, more like a glimmer or glimpse of peace on occasion. For instance, there was anxiety before my dear friend came for a visit; moments before she came I was eating dinner with my husband and children. For no reason at all; I battle sitting down to eat dinner with my own family because of the symptoms of Pure-O.  Then an increase of anxiety came because someone was at the door, I ran I hid; which in turn, brought further anxiety, guilt and shame, along with racing intrusive thoughts. Next came combating Pure-O so that I could talk with my friend. Pushing past Pure-O and talking with my friend does not make Pure-O go away! Every word, every second that Machiavellian Troll is there trying to bring me to my demise. After talking with my friend I feel good for a moment, I feel pleased with myself for overcoming Pure-O for this one conversation. Then the beasty side wind of the Troll comes in at full force. Dissecting and analyzing every word that I spoke to my friend.  That relentless Troll brings with perfect clarity every detail of that one conversation, what I did, what I said; what I should have done, what I should not have done. On and on these intrusive thoughts and images pass through my mind, an endless sea of words that have nothing pleasant to say and never an encouraging thought! That insulting Troll takes every good feeling, every good thing of even the smallest moment and turns it into something ugly. Leaving nothing left but devastation. Making next time “pushing past” Pure-O that much harder!

It does not matter who it is, how wonderful and kind someone is, what good things you do, that ghastly Troll (Pure-O) robs you everything decent and good. You can do nothing right! Pure-O has you believing you are worthless, and every deceitful and horrid thing there can possibly be; is what you are made of and give to everyone.

There is much more to say and understand here, this is but a peek into the life of someone who struggles with Pure-O. I have only begun to chip away at exposing the true nature of Pure-O and what it is like to live daily with it. This is but a glimpse in How you can be surrounded by people, even loving and kind people who want to support you and help you; yet, remain totally alone. This post will be continued, please continue to come on this Journey Up with me. It is not easy for me to walk along this Journey and share it with anyone who will listen, notwithstanding I am honored and glad that you are here with me. Please comment, I look forward to hearing your voice.

Pure-O Does Not Define Me

 

            For a moment it is still, the grumble of the Troll (Pure-O) is but a faint murmur. Far away in the remote, well-guarded enclave of her heart; she is overcome with enduring sadness. Weighed down by the undertaking of overcoming her nemesis the Troll; she fears she will ever be seen as someone who is damaged and diseased. Eager, to find a way to be free of the cage she abhors and confines herself to. Engulfed by torment considering the paradox; longing to be an endearing friend to rely on; yet, rendering it impossible to be a real friend to anyone. Desperate to break out of the chains that bind her and keep her hidden to all those around her. She finds herself in a labyrinth crafted by the shrewd Troll (Pure-O), at every turn she does not prevail, abruptly facing a dead end. Lost and bewildered she does not know what to do, how to find her way out. Pleading for relief, she hopes for a beacon to show her the way; something, anything that can help her develop the ability to let people in.

            Once I was told, “You need to stop trying to be a penguin who thinks she can fly.”This in reference to trying to control and suppress unwanted and intrusive thoughts; after all, seeing that these thoughts are the cause for keeping the door closed to everyone; naturally you would do everything in your power to ensure that you never have an intrusive thought again, bringing an end to them entirely! Therefore, by trying to control my thoughts is comparable to a penguin flapping its wings hoping to fly, simply because flapping wings brings about flying for other birds. We all know that a penguin is never going to be able to fly; a penguin was not made to fly. Just as our brains are not designed to ignore conditions we perceive as threatening. Whenever faced with a threatening situation we automatically come up solutions to survive, and do everything in our power to guarantee it. This type of response works for protecting yourself from danger; however, it does not work for intrusive thoughts; like a penguin who is obsessed with flying.

            After hearing this analogy, I was able to see that what I am doing is not working and it will never work. The simple fact of the matter is; intrusive thoughts are going to come, no matter what I do to try to stop them from coming. So what can I do? Learn to be less afraid of the thoughts that come and work to correct the nature, value and importance of them toward whatever I may be vulnerable to. Sounds simple enough, until you are faced with something you are terrified of. To me it feels like someone telling me, to walk into a lion’s den full of hungry lions; and then saying everything will be fine. Knowing full well that the threat I feel is not something tangible, like fighting off a lion; notwithstanding, they are threats that come head to head with perceived peril to my well being. These perceived threats cannot walk up and bite me, but they do actually threaten me mentally and cause harm to my emotional and physical well-being.

             On my current path, I am at a complete impasse. I cannot continue to avoid situations that will cause intrusive thoughts, which in turn bring about obsessions; obsessions, in my case being endless distressing intrusive thoughts and images.Then of course all those thoughts coming from the Troll (pure-O) combined with the urgent impulse to neutralize or get rid of those thoughts; bring about crippling anxiety, or as I like to call them "hidden routines" known as compulsions. The cycle  can do no more than continue. It is all quite exasperating! I know that it may seem that I have a cool head about all of this, when immediately upon coming face to face with my Troll (Pure-O) and all of its debilitating symptoms; the ability to stay calm and think clearly in a difficult situation, fly out the window; it feels impossible to do anything other than neutralize those thoughts and do everything possible to prevent them from  ever coming again.

             With having but an inkling of how to overcome the Troll “(Pure-O), is disheartening and exhausting! To some it may appear that I have all the answers I need; to defeat whatever it is holding me back. After all “isn’t having the desire or obligation to let people in, to open the door enough? Shouldn’t knowing that Pure-O is not rational and logical, be enough to get over the obstacles that you struggle with?” I can understand these thoughts and feelings, I can see how they can make sense. I can understand how some people would ask “At the end of the day, how can you say that you care or love anyone? How can you claim that you want to spend time with us, be around us when you never take the opportunity to do so? How can you allow your problems, your illness to get in the way? If you really wanted to be here you would be here!” I can understand why those who do not suffer from Pure-O or another form of mental illness; have a difficult time understanding “why?”  I can understand how it might be difficult to be there for someone who is struggling with mental illness, when nothing makes sense, and their behavior may not say that they care; or what you do does not seem to make any difference anyway.

            Speaking for myself, knowing these things make the torment grow exceedingly. Knowing that my inability to let people in; hurts the people I love most and all those around me, causes deep anguish throughout every part of my being. Pushing people away is the complete opposite of what I want to do. Just as it does not make sense to everyone else; it makes less sense to me. I do not understand why more times than not Pure-O wins, why it feels impossible for me to face the Troll (Pure-O) when in the moment, when it is vital to see past the deceit or the shame. I do not understand why I can’t seem to have the endurance, to take the threat head on; to face the anxiety. Instead I hide; caged and locked away, alone leaving devastation… nobody wins.

            For most of my life I did not realize I was pushing people away, I did not understand why I felt the way I did. Why, certain situations, people and circumstances brought out paralyzing thoughts and emotions. Looking back I can see that I have spent my life in the vicious cycle of Pure-O.  Now that I know what is wrong, and have begun a Journey to discover how I can overcome my Troll (Pure-O). I am empowered with the knowledge that Pure-O does not define me; Pure-O does not make me who I am. Right now I am struggling dreadfully, and I do not have the answers; on how I can face the threats that my Troll throws at me, and come out successful. Just as someone who sets out to obtain snake venom; begins with basic knowledge, first catch the snake, then get venom. Having so little information is not going to result in successfully collecting venom! There are several steps and procedures to learn before success, overcoming fear of a snake bite might be a long process in of itself.

            The more that I dig into Pure-O, learning my symptoms, how I respond and react to Pure-O; I am continually confounded by how complex and entangled, the affects of the Troll are in every aspect of my life. So how does the Troll (Pure-O) not define me? Pure-O is NOT ME; I would truly be ruthless if Pure-O and its intrusive thoughts were something that I choose. Pure-O, My Troll; has become enormous and the elephant in the room. It is human nature to run away from, to ignore what we do not understand. Unfortunately, my Troll has grown to be the size that it is; simply because I had no idea what was wrong. How can you treat or do anything about a problem if you do not know what the problem is? So many of my behaviors and habits have been something I have done my whole life, I am still uncovering them and learning to undo them. In essence, I am learning to teach my Troll, new tricks. So that there will no longer be an elephant in the room and I can manage Pure-O, heal and become well.

            Behind that hideous Troll, is me. I may be bombarded day in and day out with unwanted an intrusive thoughts. Be that as it may, I am still here. I am able to think for myself, I am able to think rationally, see the thoughts of the Troll for what they really are. The things I do not know are; how to overcome the Troll (Pure-O) despite knowing these things. I do not know what to do to overcome the symptoms of Pure-O. I am hopeful that there is a way up and out. Pure-O may always be a part of my life, something I will have to manage and keep under control each day that I live. Notwithstanding, I am convinced that it is NOT something I have to struggle with, that it is NOT something that will keep me caged, miserable, numb and alone. I am not there yet, not even close! But this is the story of the Journey Up.

            I see sparkles of light with each step that I take in the right direction. With each step I take along this Journey Up I find hope, I feel encouragement and I see the way up. Each step I take; brings to light what I have been fighting so hard to keep hidden. For so long I thought that exposing my Mental Illness would be the end of me, that I would be nothing more than a disease, cast away. Now that my Troll- Pure-O has nowhere to hide, I feel its chains losing their grip. By refusing to hid, to be ashamed; I have learned that truly what I am exposing is Pure-O, not me. For so long, I have been taking the Trolls identity as my own, now that he is out in the open; I can see that I am totally separate from the Troll (Pure-O), and that is a very encouraging thought!

            Daily, I battle and the struggle is still ever present and great. I have times where I want to give into the flood gates of despair. Days, weeks and even months where I feel too feeble and weary to even try. Often I feel lost, defeated and lonely; then I see a glimmer of light; a tiny, glimmer; that is all that is needed to hold fast to HOPE.  There is beauty everywhere if we are willing to see it. I know all too well what it feels like to be trapped in darkness and numb to the beauty, joy and happiness that is around you. I promise you in these darkest of times if all you can do is believe that there is beauty; something will sparkle and you will be able to see that light, and then there will be hope. Keep, trying, don’t give up, there are better days to come.

            Dear Reader, I am glad to have you along this Journey Up with me. I invite you to comment, to share your stories your strugglers your triumph, no matter how large or small they may be. As always, I look forward to hearing your voice.

Hidden Routines

            Searching for peace she locks the door behind her, slowly she drops to the floor, arms clasped around her legs; resting her forehead upon her knees. Eyes sealed, immense tears stream down her face; in anguish she pleads “I draw myself apart; despite my best efforts, only a faint resistance can be measured against the Troll (Pure-O). How long must I languish? Every day I wake; feeble from lack of sleep, downhearted from constant decry, disparagingly having me believe my very existence is faulty. Hour by hour; I fight against temptation to wane in my efforts to overcome my nemesis Pure-O. Minute by minute; I battle, with no end in sight and without relief. What more can I do? I just want to be me.”

            Desperately, she clings to hope. Hope for a way to receive the help that she needs, hope for those closest to her to understand and love her just as she is, hope for better days to come; free at long last, to be herself despite Pure-O being a part of her.

            Never before have I felt so vulnerable; I am apprehensive, the details of my illness, of the thoughts and behaviors I have; bring to light what I have been wrestling to keep hidden. What I write here are my inner-most thoughts and feelings. Much of what I write is raw, unearthing exceedingly painful experiences and emotions. It is difficult for me to dig deep into the roots of Pure-O and my personal struggle with it. I share all this with you, with anyone who will listen because I do not want the Troll (Pure-O) to have anywhere to hide. The truth of the matter is; it is not me I am exposing it is the Troll! The Troll would have me; have all of us believing that it is me. It is not easy for me to get past all the fears and shame that I feel, even though I know that I should not be afraid or be ashamed. Despite great difficulty I press on; because without a doubt I know if my Troll (Pure-O) has nowhere to hide, then in time he will no longer have the power he has over me right now. The intrusive thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O) are not me; these thoughts do not define me.

            Melancholy, forlorn and extreme foreboding anyone and anything; may be what many would think I feel toward everyone, even toward life for that matter. A gloomy state of mind is to be expected when prolonged depression; and ever present crippling anxiety is a fact of life day in and day out. I would be lying if I said I did not feel dreary, miserable and pensive most of the time. Be that as it may, my heart is set on looking for and finding the beautiful and positive things that surround me in my life. Pure-O bereaves me of being able to feel the joy and happiness I do have in my life. Remember when I said that in order to understand Pure-O, to be able to understand me; we would first have to dredge through the dreary and desolate trenches of the Troll? These ugly words describe those trenches and what it is like to constantly have a wild and untamed Troll inside your mind.

            Providing a vivid picture, of Pure-O layer by layer with each post of this blog; is not to have you feel sorry for me. I do not feel sorry for myself because I know my suffering is small compared to many; I also, understand that we each have our own strengths and weaknesses, what is extremely difficult for one, may not be difficult for another. And so because it may appear that someone may not have suffered as much as another, does not make their suffering less valid or considerable. Each of us having known some form of mental anguish, I am sure that we can all imagine how bitter and excruciating prolonged and chronic suffering can become.

            “Silent sufferer’s” is one of the many ways to describe Pure-O. Speaking for myself I suffered in silence for 21 years; simply because I did not know anything was wrong, the way my mind works and the thoughts that come was all that I knew, I had no way of knowing it was not normal. Making it even harder to see that what I was going through was detrimental to my health and happiness; so many of my symptoms are internal, cognitive in nature. Clearly, you can see how unimaginable it is for anyone to be aware of just how much suffering there really is.

            Nearly all of my symptoms I have been aware of for little more than a year, some as scant as months, even days; I am sure there is still an abundance of symptoms and behaviors that are a consequence of Pure-O, that I have yet to discover. This is another troublesome dynamic of Pure-O, being as it is heavy-laden with what is known as “Hidden Rituals”. Is it just me? or are the names given to describe Pure-O ghastly? The name ritual has me feeling like I am part of some outrageous cult; I find it fitting to instead call them “Hidden Routines”.

            They are “Hidden” because predominately these “rituals” are mental routines or mental compulsions rather than behavioral compulsions such as checking and washing. I like to describe OCD as Obsessive= need for assurance and Compulsive= imperative need for relief. I use the word “imperative” because in spite of knowing that the thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O) are not likely or impossible does not change the need for relief. So in attempt to relieve the distressing thoughts and anxiety mental routines are preformed.   

            Personally I struggle with many different mental routines such as, Memory Checking. This involves recapturing a memory in my mind and mentally checking, examining and sometimes analyze what happened, what exactly it was that I said and did. Searching for answers to determine if I handled the situation properly, if I said the right thing, if I did what I did for the right reason, was my behavior correct and proper. Constantly asking myself if I caused a problem, looking for reassurance that I did not do anything wrong; or searching for what I did do wrong, so that I can fix the problem. A domineers obsession of mine is Responsibility, when I feel that I have not lived up to my duties and responsibilities; this triggers mentally checking; memories to see what I have done wrong and if what I did do was right. This type of mental checking is to figure out why I am having a certain thought.

            One of the many complications with Pure-O is the constant need for certainty, so that doubt can be eliminated; doubt, leads me to repeat behaviors. By seeking assurance; such as trying to neutralize negatives thoughts with positive thoughts, will counteract all the negative thoughts; though I know this is not rational. While nagging repetitive thoughts from the Troll (Pure-O); bombard me; I start to repeat in my mind positive thoughts, good things that I do over and over. Getting stuck in an OCD doubt and reassurance loop can go on for days. Another mental compulsion of mine is to avoid certain situations, activities and people so that an obsession will not be triggered. Truly I detest the word obsession, it sounds creepy and odd to me, and perhaps this is the stigma we have toward obsessions. The obsessions I have are not by choice and they bring absolutely no enjoyment. My obsessions are completely intrusive, horrifying and distressing, which is why I do everything in my power to avoid having them.

            Other “hidden rituals” I have are… trying to figure out what type of person I am, over-analyzing my behavior, reassuring myself because of the intrusive thoughts that come, repeatedly asking for forgiveness feeling like I am a bad person; repeating thoughts, words or phrases in my head. Like a detective I am still uncovering my hidden routines. The more I learn about Pure-O and the personal struggle I have with it; I am able to recognize just how unmanageable my life has become; and how deeply the symptoms of Pure-O dictate what I do and say. Right now I am like a prisoner, my mind held captive; a confinement that is brutal and intolerable. The puzzle of Pure-O is exasperating!  I find myself shutdown as soon as I reach an uncharted corner of Pure-O.

            Living with Pure-O is painful through and through, it may be difficult for some to believe; however, it is torturous and indeed causes immense suffering. It is not easy for me to say such things; I do not like to be thought of as playing a victim card. In no way do I surrender to excuses or being helpless. Which is why I am here, writing what I am, I am willing to go where I don’t want to go in order to overcome the terrible Troll (Pure-O). 

            Still in the beginning of my Journey Up, daily I battle and have feeble knees. Often I do not know what to do; and feel overwhelmed by the agony and turmoil of the Troll that besets me. I will continue to write, to uncover the awful Troll (Pure-O). I will continue to seek help and treatment, fighting with all my might to overcome Pure-O. I am grateful; you, dear reader are here with me, knowing that I am not alone helps and gives great encouragement! As always I encourage you to let your voice be heard, wither you suffer from mental illness or not. You have something valuable to add that can make all the difference in my life or someone who is reading this blog just as you are. I invite you to leave a comment and look forward to hearing your voice.

Crippling Anxiety

            “I wanted to go, I told them I would be there, and I even felt excited about it! I promised myself this time would be different; but it’s not. I don’t feel like I can do it. How can I not show up? Ug! Why do I always feel this way? They are my dearest friends, I enjoy being around them, they want me there. Why, do I always find myself wrestling with an invisible enemy, one that I have no idea how to combat? Why is it such a struggle for me? When will it stop? I just want it to stop! It is all too overwhelming; maybe next time I can go.”

            Each day, writing this blog I find myself head to head with the uncharted chasm; of my inner most feelings and emotions affiliated with my illness, Primarily Obessional OCD (Pure-O). Illness: what an intense word. I quarrel daily with the complexities of the symptoms and subsequent affects they have on my mind, body and soul. It is no wonder that they clash with every relationship that I have?

            Overwhelming anxiety and intrusive thoughts keep me from the people I love most. It does not make sense to me, less so for everyone else. Each day I shutter when I hear the door bell ring, it is not that I do not want people to visit; in fact the opposite is true. It is quite the conflict and oxymoron; to long for people to pay you a visit, only to hide and keep the door shut when someone does come, to push them away. When the phone rings, a pit in my stomach manifests itself, anxiety on top of anxiety with each ring; as I think to myself “will I be able to pick it up this time?” It may come as a shock to you, I struggle most; when the person trying to reach me is a family member or a friend. The odd thing about it is, I want to talk to them, I am even happy that they thought of me and took the time to call, so why the dilemma?

            This is where my deceitful; slippery nemesis; the Troll (Pure-O) comes in. He takes that gnarly ball of anxiety and uses it to his advantage. Crushing anxiety; combined with devastating unwanted and intrusive thoughts; is a lethal weapon! How artfully deceptive the Troll is. He knows how to get under my skin; bringing to my mind, the most tender and vital aspects of my life; to the forefront of my mind. Cleverly, he concocts his formula, a mantra sublime; causing doubt, humiliation and extreme distress . Once in his (Pure-O) clutches, I cower, I hide; no longer confident. Overwhelming feelings of being; a bad person or that I might cause, or have been causing harm to all around me, take precedent. Feelings of no longer being worthy wash over me, leaving me alone and caged.  

            By now, I bet you are wondering why I speak of the Troll like he is a person, a living thing. It took me a while to wrap my mind around; what Pure-O really is. After being diagnosed with Pure-O- OCD and working with a therapist, I was able to discover that there was another voice inside my head… the hard part was understanding that; this voice I was hearing, the one that sounded just like me, the voice inside MY head,  yeah, that voice; was not me. Okay if you are anything like me, your thoughts might be “Say what? Not me? So what you are telling me is; I really am crazy?” Would you believe me when I say “I am not crazy?” Maybe it will take some convincing.

            Everyone has thoughts that seem to come from nowhere, that may even cause some alarm and stress. But soon as they realize how bizarre, or unrealistic they are; they are able to brush them off never giving it a second thought. Oh, that sounds wonderful to me, to have a troublesome thought and be able to let fly off your back; or set it aside to resolve it later. That is a goal I am working toward, what comes so much more natural to everyone else, is basically impossible for me. Please dont get me wrong here, I am able to forgive, I don’t hold grudges against people and such things. And when I say impossible for me, I mean impossible for me in the present, because I do not have my OCD under control yet.

            Back to that other voice in my head. How is a voice in my head not me? Well, I cannot give you the science behind that; but I can offer you my experience. Imagine a voice in your head that takes literally no thought of your own. It is like a commentary is stuck; on the television and that television is in your head. When I am the most exhausted; I can be laying there and that voice has all the energy in the world, on and on, I can’t turn it off; too weary to do anything about it.

            Some people may be thinking that this Troll sounds like the devil, maybe I am possessed? Nope, not possessed here, I believe if I were possessed than I, who I am; could not be here at all. I wouldn’t be able to write this blog, feel Gods love and guidance in my life and have hope. I am a firm believer that light and dark cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So, this other voice in my head; the one I like to call a Troll, is something else; caused by a irregularity of the brain, known as Pure-O OCD.

            It is no picnic to have such a voice (Pure-O) stuck in your head. Even more problematic is trying to explain that voice and how it affects your life; to other people so that they may better understand. I am up to the challenge though, which is why I am here; letting you in, allowing you to be a part of some of the most intimate details of my life.

             No doubt, we can all relate to having felt similar emotions; at some time in our lives we each have had to confront crippling anxiety when faced with the unknown. Each of us has lost a battle or two with anxiety having succumbed to its immobilizing power. My hope is for those who suffer like I do; will feel comforted that they are not alone and there is hope, a way up. To those who do not suffer from mental illness; my hope is you can come away with a better understanding of those who suffer a more painful experience with anxiety. There is always more to a story than meets the eye.

            Come; continue on this journey with me. I invite  YOU to open a dialogue, an opportunity to be heard. No matter where you are in your own personal journey, wither you have a mental illness or not. Each of us can contribute something, making this Journey Up, more enriching.  I am looking forward to hearing your voice.

With Love,

Hope

Hijacked

                        Utterly exhausted, fatigued in every way; unaware of when she woke in the night, she turns to see what time it is.  Her room, pitch black, she easily reads the glowing numbers; 12:16, in the morning; “how long have my eyes been open? I must have fallen asleep around 10:30 in the evening, not again! Not another night like this!” Defeated and discouraged, see attempts to slow her racing mind, to silence the intrusive thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O).

            Carefully, she positions her pillows to allow her to relax, she focuses on breathing, slow and calm; deep breaths in and out. Her eyes closed, doing her best to invent in her mind a serene image, in hope to chase away; the repetitive and distressing thoughts, the Troll is creating inside her mind.

            For a moment, she is able to keep the vexing unwanted thoughts of the Troll (Pure-O) at bay. To no avail, she is unsuccessful; her mind, hijacked and succumbed to the relentless taunting of a voice most vile; her nemesis, the Troll called Pure-O.  

            The hours pass, her mind overcome to the will of demoralizing, antagonistic, unwelcome thoughts. Repeating again and again the Troll without restraint and vicious clamor shouts at her “you are a despicable person, an unfit mother; you are malicious, completely unworthy!” Bewildered and down hearted she tries to ignore the lies cast toward her. “What a fraudulent maggot you are! Always failing to convince yourself you are a good person; a good mother, a good friend. Look at you, you’re a disgrace! No wonder so many people don’t talk to you, you are blameworthy!”

            On and on, long into the night and into the morning she desperately clings to what she knows to be true. She knows the Troll is cunning full of deceit. He twists the facts, what really happened; leaving her believing that there is some truth to what he (Pure-O) tells her. - With little sleep, she gets up to begin her day; never left alone, she struggles to remain positive and hopeful; that one day she will, at last be free from the clutches of the reviled Troll who imprisons her.

            To many this description may seem magnified and dramatized. To some, it may seem no different than the thoughts that most people have from time to time. Everyone has ups and downs, restless nights, doubt; and times where our self-esteem and self-worth is desolate. These experiences are a part of life and something we can all relate to and understand. To my dismay, I am not talking about the expected up’s and downs of life, or the typical racing thoughts that keep us up at night, during difficult and stressing times. I am talking about a mind that is completely hijacked! A mind held captive, over-run with exceedingly distressful and unwanted thoughts and images; which become stuck. Trapped with no way out, they repeat like a broken record.

            This post is one that I fight to write, never before have I put to ink and paper the voice of my Troll (Pure-O). It is arduous, and takes all the vigor of my soul to find the words needed to depict a slight portion, of what it is like to live day to day with a vicious Troll (Pure-O) inside your mind. My heart is somber as I lay before you the immense struggles I endeavor to combat.

            After having a night like the one portrayed above, you can imagine how debilitating life can become; with insufficient sleep and a mind too weary to intervene and subdue intrusive and unwanted thoughts. Pure-O, untamed takes over not only your mind but your life! Growing, more dominate and persuasive each time Pure-O wins.

            At my perpetual worst, when my Troll (Pure-O) was left undiagnosed and wild; my life developed into something completely debilitating. Like a robot, I went from task to task only able to meagerly complete the bare minimal, despite my best efforts; hardly human, devoid of life, entirely numb to feeling happiness and joy! Because my life had become unmanageable, I crash landed, rock bottom, flat on my back. My journey to finding help will have to be told another day. It is important to note that I am still in quest to find treatment beyond what I have received. There are not many specialists for OCD (OCD Pure-O) so getting the help that I need has been slow and unavailable to me. However, on the horizon; is a treatment center I soon will be able to visit which is out of state for me. I feel this treatment center is a strong candidate to finally finding the answers that I need to overcome Pure-O. For Now, I will describe how I am best able to manage Pure-O now.

            Something tricky about Pure-O is you cannot fight with it. Meaning if the Troll (Pure-O) tells you that you are a bad person; you absolutely cannot describe and think of all the ways you are not a bad person. I can assure you this is a lot easier said than done! Pure-O is a form of OCD; so naturally, the mind becomes Obsessed with something which is followed by a Compulsion or Compulsions. I cringe, upon hearing the words “Obsessive” and “Compulsive” as indicated in the name OCD=Obsessive- Compulsive- Disorder; and in my case “Primarily Obsessive-OCD (or Pure-O)”. Instead, I like to call Obsessive = “need for assurance” and Compulsive= “imperative need for relief”. Pure-O, brings absolutely no satisfaction or enjoyment ever. Pure-O is always painful, something I desperately try to avoid; yet, cannot escape. So I do not like to be thought of as someone obsessed and compulsive, OCD I feel has different meaning and significance to these words than how we typically use them.

            To fight with Pure-O, only aggravates the intrusive thoughts and images, causing them to increase and grow greater meaning. Thus, creating the need for assurance; and the need for relief from the distress and anxiety the thoughts and images are causing. This battle will never lead to a definitive answer; the mind becomes stuck, trapped in a never ending cycle. One would think that if you just think of something else than everything would be alright. There is truth to this, but it is not that simple. The voice of Pure-O is loud and relentless, often drowning everything else out; even with your best efforts to redirect the thoughts. This is something I am still learning how to do. The best way I can describe it is in this… If a fire engine sounding every siren was always right next to you, no matter where you go or what you did, there it would be, loud as ever. How difficult would it be for you to think of anything other than the sound of the siren; and the distress it is causing you? This is like the daily struggle with Pure-O.

            I believe with consistent treatment, hard work and hope the voice of the Troll (Pure-O) can take its place in the background, unnoticed, unheard, having no significance. One of the ways I have begun to do this is by giving my attention completely to something I enjoy doing. I have a list of many things that I can do each day that will help me avert my energy into something positive, ignoring whatever the Troll has to say.

            An example of one of the ways I do this is by Homeschooling my small children. To most it would seem that if my life is unmanageable, than how can I possibly be successful with teaching my children myself? To my amazement, Homeschooling is a positive outlet and distraction for me. The Troll is still there at every turn, but because I enjoy my delightful Children and the opportunity to spend my days with them, teaching them, learning with them, playing together. I am able to focus on the task at hand, with the determination to succeed because my children need a quality education. I am not saying that Homeschooling is the key to overcoming mental illness. It is finding something that works for you. Obviously, I cannot Home school all of the time, though it does take a good portion of my day. Nor, can I ignore responsibility by just doing things I enjoy to keep Pure-O at bay. By doing things I enjoy when I am able; helps me to walk in a positive direction and to relieve the distress and anxiety I feel, allowing me to face my nemesis with a little more energy and confidence.

            Living with a Mental Illness is difficult, it is draining, and the greatest struggle I have ever known, having my mind hostage to something so dark and unproductive, is harrowing.

            I would love to hear from you, what are your thoughts, wither you have Mental Illness or not. What do you or someone you know; do to overcome the symptoms of their illness. What are your experiences? What are your struggles and your successes? Please leave a comment; I would love to speak with you.

As always, I invite you to come along on this Journey Up, with me.

To My Incredible Readers

Dear Reader, humbled and astonished by the number of people who have taken the time to read my blog and have returned!  I surprised myself by starting this blog not long ago, it is something I knew I should do; yet, for longer than I would like to admit; I stuffed the slightest thought of writing about my illness and the struggle I have with it, away in the back of my mind, unwilling to become exposed and vulnerable.

                In fear, I hid; I fought hard to remain hidden.  To my shock, once I posted my first entry I become acquainted with a fear that scared me more than the terrible things people might say about me.  Worse than hiding would be to speak, and to reach out to whoever will listen; then have no one care to read what I have to say, or take time to understand. I am happy to say this thought was a lie, people do care, and more people than I ever dreamed would care.

                Deeply, honored, that you are here with me dear, Reader. In light of so many people from all over the world finding their way here and joining this Journey Up with me. I am delighted to say that I am ecstatic about this blog! My anxiety is still through the roof and this is not easy for me; however, I am committed to the cause and look forward to walking along this path hand and hand with you.

                Having no idea how to start or set up a blog, I did it anyway! Now that I have so many people’s attention, I am egger to improve my blog and turn it into something pleasant and interactive for you. This blog is for you, just as it is for me!

               I encourage you with all the zeal of my heart; for you to comment, ask questions, to voice your thoughts; I gladly accept advice for this blog, how I can improve it for you? I am here for you in everyway I can. I would love to hear your stories and experiences and truly begin this Journey UP together.

Thank you dear Reader, looking forward to hearing from you,

With love, Hope

 

Forecast... Sunny, with Clear Blue Skies

            To her astonishment, no longer is she ashamed or reluctant to show all of herself; even the grisly, entirely cryptic and ambiguous Troll (Pure-O) she tussled with for far too long to keep hidden. Opening up to everyone she knows, the World; anyone who will listen: brought profound freedom. At long last she has broken the silence, empowering her to climb higher than she thought possible.

            Still apprehensive of how others will perceive her, she holds her head high; confident and fearless! For without a doubt, she knows that she will succeed; one day she will look back with glee, despite, tremendous odds against her she will have overcome a seemingly impossible nemesis; the great and terrible Troll, Pure-O.

            O’ the audacity of that vicious Troll, even now he bombards her mind with intrusive thoughts; polluting and defiling her positive and encouraging thought and reflection. His grip and power he (Pure-O) has over her is still too strong. Yet, she is unafraid; through letting go of her secret, by refusing to hide; she caught a glimpse of the sun and sees the way up! No, she will not give in, she will not give up, and she will triumph!

           Where is this immense enthusiasm coming from? How can I have such high spirits? The answers to these questions cannot be contained in one post; or the Trolls endless attacks from all sides which inevitably disparage and defeat me. No, the voice of Pure-O; my Troll, will be told in another post. Today, I will focus on one of the ways I overcame the shame I felt because I have a mental illness, by letting go of shame; lead me to new found hope and the door to the way up. 

          Having a name for something sometimes can make all the difference. A vital distinction can be misinterpreted; there is a difference between a name and a label. The distinction I make is this; a Name: is a title, a person, a thing, a place, an object, a body or class is known by. We can all imagine how chaotic and utterly miserable life would be if no one, nothing had a name; this paints a picture quite dismal without question. Put another way; for instance, many of you may not have heard of the name Pure-O, until reading this blog. Was there any understanding in just a name, is there ever? One could only speculate right? A name gives us a fact, merely what someone or something is called. To know what is in a name, we have to dig deeper.

            A label, in the context I will be referring to  is the way we, in society, give people “labels” such as; “Jane is Shy”, “Pam is Outgoing”, “Mark is Smart ,”Jake is Slow”, “He is Rich”, “She is Poor”, “Black”, “White”, “Fat”, “Skinny”, “Pretty”, “Ugly”… you get the picture. It is essential to realize that these kinds of labels we give people imply and give the impression that they are “blacker”, “whiter”, “fatter” “skinnier”, “prettier”, “uglier” simply because we have labeled them so.   However, some labels can be an extremely useful and is not always reason to cause alarm.  Without labels it would be impossible to process information we use daily, such labels like “tasty” and “harmful”. Nonetheless, no one likes to be labeled, unless of course it is something viewed as being pleasant; like being “rich”, even then usually the tone used with the label “rich” is full of scorn.

            Am I giving myself a label? Absolutely not, some people will probably think that I am by using words like, “mental illness” and “Pure-O”. To give you a peek into the way I view these two words let me explain how having a name for something made all the difference for me.

            Ever since I was 9 years old I knew that something was not right, only I did know what was wrong. As I grew; moved from home, attended college, married and started a family, I became increasingly aware that something definitely was not right. As my life became unmanageable I sought the help of a professional counselor. I remember feeling petrified; I thought that I would be told that it is just in my head, that it was not real, that I worry too much. Time passed, I saw multiple therapists, then at last someone had the answer, someone got it right! It wasn’t something I was making up; it wasn’t my fault or something I was doing to myself! It has a name, it is real and best of all there is treatment and there is a way up!

            Finally, having a name to what was wrong brought immense relief not only for me but for my husband as well. He didn’t know how to help me, what to do. Knowing what was wrong came with a plan; there was something I could do that would actually help, I can heal and one day my life will become functional!

            Mental illness to me is not a label it is a name classifying a group of disorders of the mind/brain. Pure-O is not who I am, it is simply a part of me wither I like it or not. No different than people who have heart disease, diabetes, or high blood pressure does these sicknesses; illnesses make them who they are? I am sure just about everyone would agree that they do not.

            The stigma and associated disgrace that comes all too often with mental illness; kept me afraid to let other people know I have a mental illness. By not letting my family, my friends know about Pure-O, I was not only hurting them but more than any other, myself. I do not understand why we are all taught to hide, to wear masks because we struggle, because we make mistakes, because we are not perfect. Not once has anything good come from doing this; yet, we all do it.

            It has taken me years to come to where I am now, I may not have had a name for it until nearly two years ago, often, I wanted to let those close to me know the struggles that I have, but I was too ashamed to say anything at all, so I suffered in silence… alone. It is in on our own time, we have to be ready to take a leap and refuse to hide. It is my hope that if you are struggling with mental illness that you will continue to work at it, to heal, to remove your mask and to stop hiding, to be made whole. To the rest of us, I hope for better understanding and tolerance for mental illness that you will look beyond a name or a “label”, to look deep and see the person for who they are. You are a vital part for those of us who struggle with mental illness, we need support, we need love and we need encouragement. We need to know it is okay and that you understand or are working to understand, you may not know what to say, or what to do; that does not matter,  just BE THERE.

            Learning to accept that I have a mental illness and that it is okay that I struggle with it, learning to accept my limitations and to be willing to work hard to overcome them and learning to let go of shame; because we need never be ashamed, has helped me stand where I am today… being completely open. Nothing leading up to this point has been easy, the road has been long and really, it is only the beginning for me. It may be cliché; however it is true... it is worth it! Now that I am no longer hiding I am free to be myself all the time, I need not worry about hiding, about what other people think. People will always think what they like, what matters is what I think, what direction I am going. I know I am walking in the right direction and it feels wonderful, I am empowered with confidence that I can do hard things, I am strong and most of all I am not alone! Despite, the challenges and the unknown... My futures forecast; is sunny with clear blue skies! And so can yours be.



 

Gray Butterflies and Sparkles of Light

            “Wasn’t Today a better day? I accomplished heaps, even felt sunny!” she frantically thought to herself, overwrought with worry. Discouraged and melancholy she cowers in a dark corner; habitually, she finds herself locking herself away in a cage. Powerless, she is unable to open the door, even for her dearest friends.

            Today is a challenging post; I find it surprisingly difficult to allow the words to flow; I suppose, I push even myself away from this uncharted space of my heart. This topic tugs at my heart strings and is one that causes me extreme distress because, I do not understand it and my pushing people away, hurts the people I love most.

            There is some silver lining here though, which gives me astounding hope! Before I get to the best part; I am afraid I need to dig into the trenches of that pernicious Troll (Pure-O).

            Even as a small child I would push everyone away, which never made sense to me. I wanted to have my family, my friends an active part of my life, I wanted them to know who I am and without a doubt know how much I love them. Looking back I can clearly see that the only person I let in fully was my Mother, She was always a safe place for me. Her kind and gentle spirit always wrapped around me like a warm blanket, always welcoming, full of unconditional love.

            More than a year ago, something life changing for me happened. Being blessed with the finest friend anyone could possibly have; with her love and care I was able to see a kind neighbor who does energy work. To my astonishment, something that she said to me in the first few minutes of our session together; has never left my mind and has been something that I have pondered and reflected upon often, which propelled my thinking in a new direction... she said, “Interesting, you are stronger in the negative than you are in the positive; your energy flows backwards.” Instantly, a sense of new understanding of myself washed over me. Like flashes on a picture screen; I could see myself throughout my life where, being brave and being strong in times of turmoil was something that came so natural to me (natural, but not easy). Yet, in times of JOY and PEACE I quietly took my place behind the scenes.  Always feeling awkward and apprehensive, not knowing what to do with myself. As my first session with my dear neighbor continued, I did not say a word; I did not know how to be, what to do while I felt so peaceful, even though this was the first time I felt complete calm in many years. Ironically, I never returned for our next appointment, I did not know how to let her in.

            Before I continue, I want you to understand; that I do not enjoy hard times and I do not try to create them or go looking for them, I try to avoid them as most people do. That is why this is all so confusing for me, every day, every minute I search for peace and calm, everything I do is in pursuit of serenity.

            What of these, “Gray Butterflies”? Oh, that devil-may-care Troll; delights in creating them, they fill and swarm every inch of my body; turning everything gray and ash. Overwhelming anxiety overpowers me, my mind races; completely and utterly succumbed to the deceit and gloom of Pure-O. More often than not I fall into Pure-O’ Machiavellian trap; I cower and hide. In distress like this, I cannot open my front door to a friend, to even family. I cannot answer my phone; there is no way to let anyone in. Once the people I love and care about have gone; the phone stops ringing that is not the end. Regret and frustration flood my mind; sorrow and heartache increase anxiety. Severe anguish, knowing that next time it will be much more intense and impossible to let anyone in because, I could not push past Pure-O this time.

            Much to my dismay and shame it is much easier for me to let people in who are strangers, acquaintances or people I feel I have not let down. There is no rhyme or reason and to no fault of the people who are closest to me trying to reach out to me.

            Now the question at the forefront of your mind might be, “if you know all this, then why not just open the door?” Dear reader, this question is a puzzlement even to me. Pure-O does not make sense, it is not logical. I am in the infancy of fully understanding and unraveling the mysteries of Pure-O, my Troll. My goal being at long last I can manage it and be free.

            There is silver lining to be found even amongst all this misery. Once I was diagnosed having Pure-O my therapist expressed an encouraging thought. Admittedly, at the time it was  not an encouraging thought to me at all.  He promised me; “keep working at it, you cannot look back to yesterday or last week or even last month to see progress. However, one day all your hard work will have paid off and you will be able to see how far you have come. Pure-O does not descend with treatment with a gradual slope, like many things do. No, Pure-O is  challenging;  because it descends with treatment with peaks and valleys as you work toward managing Pure-O, you will even feel like you have crashed landed to the beginning at times. Have faith and hope and keep to it, you’ll see.”

            When I was diagnosed I was considered to be severe, though that has not changed much, it has changed. Not long ago, I was unable to let anyone in at all; I would have been paralyzed by the mere thought of making all of this public. It is quite the accomplishment for me to let anyone into my home, to invite people for a dinner party; too actually show up for a dinner party at someone else’s home or any number of invitations that come my way. It sounds frivolous and strange I know. It is just the way things are for me right now. I am slowly learning to accept my limitations and that my limitations are OKAY, and do not have to make sense! Wow, that is tough; in no way does it feel okay especially because my limitations are many and letting people in happens about 5% of the time.

            Where I am now compared to when I was diagnosed almost two years ago, I am happy to say that I can look back and see how my hard work is beginning to pay off; I can see just how far I have come. The road is long and I have much to overcome, but I see the way up. Along my journey up I see specks and glimmer of light; although, I long for the sun. Each sparkle of light I see in the darkness round about me tells me there is a way up, there is HOPE.

Yes, I am Definitely Sure, but am I Sure?

The clock in the living room can be heard from the bedroom, it strikes, bong, bong. Restless, discouraged she winces anticipating that she would have slept past 2am. Not realizing she was holding her breath, she lets out a slow sigh; the clock does not strike again, her hope in vain. To no avail, she cannot sleep through the night, severe insomnia being her constant companion for more than two and a half years.

Weary and exhausted, her dread and ambience rapidly grows. She is never left alone, continually tormented by a figurative troll always lurking in her mind. To her dismay, the still and empty hours of the night perturb and terrify her. Tears of anguish soak her pillow, bewildered, defeated she cries out for help. “When will it stop, how can I make it stop?”

There is the troll, relentlessly he speaks to her. At no time does he have anything pleasant to say. Invariably he invades her mind with horrific intrusive thoughts. Regularly, the trolls voice overpowers her own, extremely fatigued she can barely put up a fight. And so, here begins another day, living with the troll.

Yes, I am definitely sure, but and am I sure? Is a perplexing statement that leaves you guessing. These few words can give you a peek into the distressing nature of living with Pure-O, or as I like to call it, living with a troll inside your mind.

Before I begin to paint you a picture of Pure-O, my troll; I would like to express the delicate feelings I have in exposing myself,  being vulnerable in this way  is a path I have not taken; until today. What I am about to describe can appear to mean that I must be CRAZY. What a repugnant word crazy is; I detest the use of it in any context. I have deep empathy and respect for those who suffer a much more severe mental illness than I do, that causes them to be unaware of reality.

So let us return to the title, “Yes, I am definitely sure, but am I sure?” The first word, yes; is a concrete and straightforward answer followed by the word definitely; giving the meaning of sure; a bold resistance to any opposing force. Interpreting these words, “Yes, I am definitely sure,” without question would mean there is no doubt and unbreakable confidence.  And yet, how peculiar that such a statement should be followed by “but am I sure?” The powerful and self assured statement “Yes, I am definitely sure,” in this example would be; me, my voice, my own thought. The following question “but am I sure?” would be the voice of the troll (Pure-O) speaking in the first person as though it were my own thought.

Ah, this troll is cunning and has a grandiose, clever disguise. His voice sounds just like mine, he knows the intimate details of my life, what I think, what I feel; making it difficult to distinguish the difference if one does not know where to look.  And so, it would seem that if you know where to look and can recognize the troll for what he really is- Pure-O. Than all should be well… You should easily dismiss his intrusive thoughts and the distress would cease, right?  If only it were true, if only it were that simple.

The idiosyncrasy of Pure-O is the sufferer is aware that the intrusive thoughts are highly unlikely and even impossible. Yet, that terrible troll with his precise and fancy footwork; gives just enough meaning to his unwanted and intrusive thoughts to make it seem like it just might be real. So the never ending quest to find answers begins. Searching for answers becomes priority even frantic at times, anxiety through the roof! Alas, all the inquiring and looking for the answer will never do any good. Because no matter how much you research no matter what you know, the troll is always there at every turn, with his intrusive thoughts leading you to an endless quest, one that will never reach a definitive answer. Those who suffer with Pure-O are aware of this, yet; find themselves seeking for answers anyway to try and neutralize the anxiety, which in turn only triggers further distress and anxiety… the cycle continues.

The bizarre nature of Pure-O is complex and difficult to understand. Living with Pure-O can be overwhelmingly lonely, the torment of continuous intrusive and unwanted thoughts is unbearable; which is why those who suffer, why I; do whatever I must, to avoid triggering the most distressing thoughts that come.  Why, I do my best to create an environment that keeps the most horrific thoughts at bay, though intrusive thoughts never stop, never giving a moment of peace.

My words may seem dismal and depressing. Continue with me on this journey… after all this is the story of “The Journey Up.” To understand Pure-O, to understand me; we must first brave the dreary and desolate trenches of the Troll.  The purpose of my writing is to first bring understanding, then to bring hope and empower others who are living with a mental illness with the knowledge that mental illness does not define us; it is simply a part of us and wearing a mask, hiding is not the answer, because we need never be ashamed. My hope for those who do not suffer with a mental illness but know someone who does- and everyone knows someone; is that you will come away with better understanding, of what it is like to live day to day with mental illness. That you will be empowered with clearer knowledge and empathy; and perhaps open doors to improved relationships with those close to you with mental illness.

Let us walk hand and hand on this journey with an ever bright hope of better days to come.