Gray Butterflies and Sparkles of Light

            “Wasn’t Today a better day? I accomplished heaps, even felt sunny!” she frantically thought to herself, overwrought with worry. Discouraged and melancholy she cowers in a dark corner; habitually, she finds herself locking herself away in a cage. Powerless, she is unable to open the door, even for her dearest friends.

            Today is a challenging post; I find it surprisingly difficult to allow the words to flow; I suppose, I push even myself away from this uncharted space of my heart. This topic tugs at my heart strings and is one that causes me extreme distress because, I do not understand it and my pushing people away, hurts the people I love most.

            There is some silver lining here though, which gives me astounding hope! Before I get to the best part; I am afraid I need to dig into the trenches of that pernicious Troll (Pure-O).

            Even as a small child I would push everyone away, which never made sense to me. I wanted to have my family, my friends an active part of my life, I wanted them to know who I am and without a doubt know how much I love them. Looking back I can clearly see that the only person I let in fully was my Mother, She was always a safe place for me. Her kind and gentle spirit always wrapped around me like a warm blanket, always welcoming, full of unconditional love.

            More than a year ago, something life changing for me happened. Being blessed with the finest friend anyone could possibly have; with her love and care I was able to see a kind neighbor who does energy work. To my astonishment, something that she said to me in the first few minutes of our session together; has never left my mind and has been something that I have pondered and reflected upon often, which propelled my thinking in a new direction... she said, “Interesting, you are stronger in the negative than you are in the positive; your energy flows backwards.” Instantly, a sense of new understanding of myself washed over me. Like flashes on a picture screen; I could see myself throughout my life where, being brave and being strong in times of turmoil was something that came so natural to me (natural, but not easy). Yet, in times of JOY and PEACE I quietly took my place behind the scenes.  Always feeling awkward and apprehensive, not knowing what to do with myself. As my first session with my dear neighbor continued, I did not say a word; I did not know how to be, what to do while I felt so peaceful, even though this was the first time I felt complete calm in many years. Ironically, I never returned for our next appointment, I did not know how to let her in.

            Before I continue, I want you to understand; that I do not enjoy hard times and I do not try to create them or go looking for them, I try to avoid them as most people do. That is why this is all so confusing for me, every day, every minute I search for peace and calm, everything I do is in pursuit of serenity.

            What of these, “Gray Butterflies”? Oh, that devil-may-care Troll; delights in creating them, they fill and swarm every inch of my body; turning everything gray and ash. Overwhelming anxiety overpowers me, my mind races; completely and utterly succumbed to the deceit and gloom of Pure-O. More often than not I fall into Pure-O’ Machiavellian trap; I cower and hide. In distress like this, I cannot open my front door to a friend, to even family. I cannot answer my phone; there is no way to let anyone in. Once the people I love and care about have gone; the phone stops ringing that is not the end. Regret and frustration flood my mind; sorrow and heartache increase anxiety. Severe anguish, knowing that next time it will be much more intense and impossible to let anyone in because, I could not push past Pure-O this time.

            Much to my dismay and shame it is much easier for me to let people in who are strangers, acquaintances or people I feel I have not let down. There is no rhyme or reason and to no fault of the people who are closest to me trying to reach out to me.

            Now the question at the forefront of your mind might be, “if you know all this, then why not just open the door?” Dear reader, this question is a puzzlement even to me. Pure-O does not make sense, it is not logical. I am in the infancy of fully understanding and unraveling the mysteries of Pure-O, my Troll. My goal being at long last I can manage it and be free.

            There is silver lining to be found even amongst all this misery. Once I was diagnosed having Pure-O my therapist expressed an encouraging thought. Admittedly, at the time it was  not an encouraging thought to me at all.  He promised me; “keep working at it, you cannot look back to yesterday or last week or even last month to see progress. However, one day all your hard work will have paid off and you will be able to see how far you have come. Pure-O does not descend with treatment with a gradual slope, like many things do. No, Pure-O is  challenging;  because it descends with treatment with peaks and valleys as you work toward managing Pure-O, you will even feel like you have crashed landed to the beginning at times. Have faith and hope and keep to it, you’ll see.”

            When I was diagnosed I was considered to be severe, though that has not changed much, it has changed. Not long ago, I was unable to let anyone in at all; I would have been paralyzed by the mere thought of making all of this public. It is quite the accomplishment for me to let anyone into my home, to invite people for a dinner party; too actually show up for a dinner party at someone else’s home or any number of invitations that come my way. It sounds frivolous and strange I know. It is just the way things are for me right now. I am slowly learning to accept my limitations and that my limitations are OKAY, and do not have to make sense! Wow, that is tough; in no way does it feel okay especially because my limitations are many and letting people in happens about 5% of the time.

            Where I am now compared to when I was diagnosed almost two years ago, I am happy to say that I can look back and see how my hard work is beginning to pay off; I can see just how far I have come. The road is long and I have much to overcome, but I see the way up. Along my journey up I see specks and glimmer of light; although, I long for the sun. Each sparkle of light I see in the darkness round about me tells me there is a way up, there is HOPE.