Forecast... Sunny, with Clear Blue Skies

            To her astonishment, no longer is she ashamed or reluctant to show all of herself; even the grisly, entirely cryptic and ambiguous Troll (Pure-O) she tussled with for far too long to keep hidden. Opening up to everyone she knows, the World; anyone who will listen: brought profound freedom. At long last she has broken the silence, empowering her to climb higher than she thought possible.

            Still apprehensive of how others will perceive her, she holds her head high; confident and fearless! For without a doubt, she knows that she will succeed; one day she will look back with glee, despite, tremendous odds against her she will have overcome a seemingly impossible nemesis; the great and terrible Troll, Pure-O.

            O’ the audacity of that vicious Troll, even now he bombards her mind with intrusive thoughts; polluting and defiling her positive and encouraging thought and reflection. His grip and power he (Pure-O) has over her is still too strong. Yet, she is unafraid; through letting go of her secret, by refusing to hide; she caught a glimpse of the sun and sees the way up! No, she will not give in, she will not give up, and she will triumph!

           Where is this immense enthusiasm coming from? How can I have such high spirits? The answers to these questions cannot be contained in one post; or the Trolls endless attacks from all sides which inevitably disparage and defeat me. No, the voice of Pure-O; my Troll, will be told in another post. Today, I will focus on one of the ways I overcame the shame I felt because I have a mental illness, by letting go of shame; lead me to new found hope and the door to the way up. 

          Having a name for something sometimes can make all the difference. A vital distinction can be misinterpreted; there is a difference between a name and a label. The distinction I make is this; a Name: is a title, a person, a thing, a place, an object, a body or class is known by. We can all imagine how chaotic and utterly miserable life would be if no one, nothing had a name; this paints a picture quite dismal without question. Put another way; for instance, many of you may not have heard of the name Pure-O, until reading this blog. Was there any understanding in just a name, is there ever? One could only speculate right? A name gives us a fact, merely what someone or something is called. To know what is in a name, we have to dig deeper.

            A label, in the context I will be referring to  is the way we, in society, give people “labels” such as; “Jane is Shy”, “Pam is Outgoing”, “Mark is Smart ,”Jake is Slow”, “He is Rich”, “She is Poor”, “Black”, “White”, “Fat”, “Skinny”, “Pretty”, “Ugly”… you get the picture. It is essential to realize that these kinds of labels we give people imply and give the impression that they are “blacker”, “whiter”, “fatter” “skinnier”, “prettier”, “uglier” simply because we have labeled them so.   However, some labels can be an extremely useful and is not always reason to cause alarm.  Without labels it would be impossible to process information we use daily, such labels like “tasty” and “harmful”. Nonetheless, no one likes to be labeled, unless of course it is something viewed as being pleasant; like being “rich”, even then usually the tone used with the label “rich” is full of scorn.

            Am I giving myself a label? Absolutely not, some people will probably think that I am by using words like, “mental illness” and “Pure-O”. To give you a peek into the way I view these two words let me explain how having a name for something made all the difference for me.

            Ever since I was 9 years old I knew that something was not right, only I did know what was wrong. As I grew; moved from home, attended college, married and started a family, I became increasingly aware that something definitely was not right. As my life became unmanageable I sought the help of a professional counselor. I remember feeling petrified; I thought that I would be told that it is just in my head, that it was not real, that I worry too much. Time passed, I saw multiple therapists, then at last someone had the answer, someone got it right! It wasn’t something I was making up; it wasn’t my fault or something I was doing to myself! It has a name, it is real and best of all there is treatment and there is a way up!

            Finally, having a name to what was wrong brought immense relief not only for me but for my husband as well. He didn’t know how to help me, what to do. Knowing what was wrong came with a plan; there was something I could do that would actually help, I can heal and one day my life will become functional!

            Mental illness to me is not a label it is a name classifying a group of disorders of the mind/brain. Pure-O is not who I am, it is simply a part of me wither I like it or not. No different than people who have heart disease, diabetes, or high blood pressure does these sicknesses; illnesses make them who they are? I am sure just about everyone would agree that they do not.

            The stigma and associated disgrace that comes all too often with mental illness; kept me afraid to let other people know I have a mental illness. By not letting my family, my friends know about Pure-O, I was not only hurting them but more than any other, myself. I do not understand why we are all taught to hide, to wear masks because we struggle, because we make mistakes, because we are not perfect. Not once has anything good come from doing this; yet, we all do it.

            It has taken me years to come to where I am now, I may not have had a name for it until nearly two years ago, often, I wanted to let those close to me know the struggles that I have, but I was too ashamed to say anything at all, so I suffered in silence… alone. It is in on our own time, we have to be ready to take a leap and refuse to hide. It is my hope that if you are struggling with mental illness that you will continue to work at it, to heal, to remove your mask and to stop hiding, to be made whole. To the rest of us, I hope for better understanding and tolerance for mental illness that you will look beyond a name or a “label”, to look deep and see the person for who they are. You are a vital part for those of us who struggle with mental illness, we need support, we need love and we need encouragement. We need to know it is okay and that you understand or are working to understand, you may not know what to say, or what to do; that does not matter,  just BE THERE.

            Learning to accept that I have a mental illness and that it is okay that I struggle with it, learning to accept my limitations and to be willing to work hard to overcome them and learning to let go of shame; because we need never be ashamed, has helped me stand where I am today… being completely open. Nothing leading up to this point has been easy, the road has been long and really, it is only the beginning for me. It may be cliché; however it is true... it is worth it! Now that I am no longer hiding I am free to be myself all the time, I need not worry about hiding, about what other people think. People will always think what they like, what matters is what I think, what direction I am going. I know I am walking in the right direction and it feels wonderful, I am empowered with confidence that I can do hard things, I am strong and most of all I am not alone! Despite, the challenges and the unknown... My futures forecast; is sunny with clear blue skies! And so can yours be.